The Football Neutral World Cup: Uruguay vs Costa Rica


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Pre Match:

Watching this match with my Dad.  Just seen the Colombia goals, was nice to see a stadium at least look properly full.

Of course, Uruguay are famous for being a big part of one of the best jokes ever on The Simpsons.  Homer is looking at a globe and says to Bart “look at the name of this country, boy: You are Gay.”

For the record, the best ever Simpsons gag is the “may I play Devil’s Advocate for a moment” joke.  If you’re laughing at that now, then you know what I mean.

As soon as we put ITV on and Adrian Chiles was on the screen my Dad said “for fucks sake, I hate him”.

Much discussion of how tight the Uruguay shirts are.  To quote my father: “they look fine on an athlete, bet the fans look terrible”.  Horrible moment as I remember that Puma are making the Leicester kit for the foreseeable future.

The Uruguay national anthem is one of those that takes five minutes to start.

The font they use for the team lineups on ITV is the best thing about their coverage by a million miles.

1: Commentators just used the phrase “Group D for Difficult”. Christ.

2: Uruguay play a 4-4-2.  Making them the only team in the world that still do that.  False nine my arse.

3: Joel Campbell is a wonderfully non Costa Rican name.

8: Went for dinner with my daughter earlier. Watching the Uruguay team in those tight shirts is making me have sever body dysmorphia.

9: Joel Campbell reminds me of Paulo Wanchope.  But slightly less gangly.

12: Ben Dunbar on Twitter has asked me and Dad to try and spot the shorts of Martin Caceres. We have, and they are massive.  1950s massive.  He looks like he’s wearing culottes.

14: Disallowed goal for Godin, although the whistle went waaaaaaay before.

16: Cavani misses a properly decent chance, but Uruguay aren’t dominating.  Would be hilarious if Costa Rica could get anything out of this.  Their fans are easy to spot in two tiny pockets on the right hand side of the screen, all wearing red.  For some reason they’re wearing their white away kit to play in though, which strikes me as a tad daft.

19: Sad to see that Bryan Ruiz has both had a haircut AND doesn’t just have “Bryan” on the back of his shirt.  There must be a Brazilian player called Brian or Kevin or Dave by now.  They’ve got a Fred and Bernard, after all.

21: Really wish it was Dragon Gate USA wrestling star Johnny Gargano playing in the Uruguay midfield.

22: Diego Godin looks like he works in a branch of Millets.

24: GOAL – URUGUAY – EDINSON CAVANI: Ref gives a penalty for what Andy Townsend thought was a handball, then a handball by Uruguay’s Diego Lugano, then eventually realises it was a great decision for what was a rugby tackle on the Uruguayan centre back.  Cavani smashes in the penalty although the keeper goes the right way to his left.

26: Considering how slow he’s meant to be, Diego Lugano looks like he’s at least ten years younger than he really is.

27: Joel Campbell looks properly good.  Keeps trying the spectacular.  We’ve decided that Leicester must sign him ASAP.

30: Dad has just noticed the different coloured Puma boots thing that some players are doing.  I await the “I remember when everyone had black boots” speech.

31: Gonzalez hits the side netting for Costa Rica.  Want them to score for their loyal cluster of fans behind the goal.

34: Dad believes that Costa Rica aren’t wearing red because of the chances of them washing the kit in the hotel and the colours running.  Really.  This is how he thinks.

38: This isn’t exactly scintillating stuff, but I’m willing to bet that it ends up being more entertaining that the England game later on.

42: Just remembered that Fray Bentos is in Uruguay.  That’s where your Nan gets her meat pies in tins from.

43: The Uruguay keeper is terrifyingly bad on crosses.  Or as my Father referred to him: “A typical South American keeper”.  Dude has a point.

44: Deflected shot from Forlan, great save from Navas in the Costa Rica goal.  The replays show the brilliant look of determination on his face to keep the ball out.  Forlan is then taking Uruguay corners.  Why?

Half Time:

Costa Rica really aren’t too shabby.  Uruguay slightly better, but the more exciting stuff seems to be coming from Joel Campbell up front for the Central Americans.  You can’t see England steamrolling over either of these sides, but you know what England are like for crying out loud.

The England team has been announced, and Raheem Sterling is playing.  At least it’s attacking, so you never know.

The voices of Gus Poyet and Fabio Cannavaro remind me of something else.



46: So much complaining about where England are having to play tonight.  I think they’ll be ok, some pitches in this country are shite.

47: Dad has buggered off to make an omelette. He likes to think his are better than mine, but I am the motherfucking OMELETTE WIZARD.

48: Luis Suarez seems to be getting ready to come on.  Everyone on the Costa Rica side should immediately wear Rick Steiner like ear protectors.

51: Costa Rica trying to get back into this, and certainly aren’t sitting back.  They’re not a bad side at all.  Although Andy Townsend keeps talking about them like they’re a third division club side.  I mean, they’re at the World Cup… unlike Townsend’s side Ireland.

53: Those mismatched Puma boots as sported by three Uruguay players are really starting to make me unreasonably angry now.

54: GOAL – COSTA RICA – JOEL CAMPBELL: Campbell is class, but WHAT a cross in from Gamboa on the right wing for Costa Rica as the ball was about to go out.  Ball part cleared, falls to Campbell and he smashes in from 15 or so yards.  Celebration is excellent, taking the ball and stuffing it up his shirt as if pregnant and saluting the Costa Rican fans. GAME ON!

58: GOAL – COSTA RICA – OSCAR DUARTE: Bloody hell.  Free kick from Christian Bolanos is wonderfully headed in at the far post by the diving Duarte.  Copenhagen midfielder with the assist, Club Brugge defender with the goal.  Costa Rica a LOT better than people expected and Uruguay look rattled.

60: Diego Forlan off, Nicolas Lodeiro on. Walter Gargano off, Alvaro Gonzalez on. Still no Suarez.

63: Father still making his omelette. He has been distracted by both goals.

64: Joel Campbell tries for the top corner from 35 yards and the commentary team think he’s scored.  Bloody hell he looks like a player.

66: Now Bryan Ruiz wins a HEADER in front of goal and goes close. BRYAN RUIZ, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

69: Another great save by Keylor Navas.  He looks half decent too.

73: Dad is back.

74: Jose Miguel Cubero on for Costa Rica, replacing the brilliantly named YELTSIN Tejeda. Yeltsin! Top marks for that lad’s parents.

76: Of course, Costa Rica balance out that name with having two lads called Roy Miller and Patrick Pemberton.

80: Costa Rica aren’t even holding on; Uruguay look devoid of any decent ideas right now. Still no Suarez either, with ten minutes left.

83: Cavani has done bugger all in this game apart from score a penalty and look like a lion.

84: GOAL – COSTA RICA – MARCO URENA: Just on as a sub for Bryan Ruiz, Urena takes a wonderful through ball from Joel Campbell and slides the ball past the onrushing keeper.  His first touch of the ball and he looks ecstatic.  Brilliant goal and a great second half.  Well chuffed for the Costa Rica fans.

89: Uruguay look broken. They have not got a bloody clue what to do.

90: Five minutes injury time.  At the minute, could well be Costa Rica that score again rather than Uruguay nicking one back.

94: Horrible challenge on Joel Campbell by Maxi Perrera. RED CARD. Stupid challenge as he lost his patience. Uruguay self destructing.  Utterly clueless.  Andy Townsend quote ahead of the sending off: “He’s getting the big card out”.

Full Time:

Another result we didn’t see coming, right?  Wow.  What an amazing second half from the Costa Rican players.  Uruguay without a clue after they’d scored, whilst Costa Rica played with confidence and skill.  They’ve won over many a neutral with that performance, and showed England fans that Uruguay aren’t to be feared.  Costa Rica on the other hand…

Cavani does not look like a world class player, Forlan looks past it and with the exception of Diego Godin working on his own at the back, all Uruguay have is Suarez.  And speaking as a Wales supporter, one amazing player does not win you a world cup.  Or even qualify you for one.

Man of the Match: Joel Campbell

Match Rating: 9/10



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