The Football Neutral: Match Nine – AFC Bournemouth vs Bolton Wanderers

November 3, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / Leave a comment

(Note – I for some reason didn’t take any pictures during the game, so above is a stock photo of Dean Court)

This is now an edited version of the original blog… you can read the full one by downloading my Football Neutral 2013/14 season review on Kindle. Well over 300 pages of daftness. Less than £2! Thanks!

…A two hour journey took three. As I got closer to Bournemouth my car’s diesel tank decided to all of a sudden stop being economical (possibly aided by my less than legal speeds) and I had to stop to refuel as the clock ticked away. I sense I may have irritated the guy in the petrol station somewhere in the depths of the New Forest as I rudely interrupted his conversation with his mate about rabbits. Am I the only person who ever needs to get somewhere?

My sat nav then took me to a street that clearly did not contain Dean Court. It contained brand new houses. Then putting in the EXACT SAME destination actually took me to the right place. I had been warned that it may be slightly tricky to park at the ground. These people certainly did not lie. Two car parks were full as 3pm ticked around. Every available spot of grass was full up. Every single yard of double yellow line had a car on it. This was quite maddening. Which is a massive understatement, bearing in mind how much swearing was going on within the car at the time.

I found a space on a backstreet somewhere and ran. I have not run as fast in a long time, and as I got around half a mile away from my car I realised that I had forgotten to note down exactly where I’d parked. And when I say “parked”, I mean “dumped my Ford Fiesta somewhere next to a kerb and probably didn’t lock it”.

I had to run across a park on my way to the ground, sprinting past a man in a suit doing the same. He was wearing shoes and slipped on the wet grass. He didn’t go down, but it did make me amend my stride. Couldn’t exactly turn up for my gig that night covered in mud.

I had to pick up my ticket from the office, and was relieved to see that I wasn’t the only person to be so late for the game. As discussed at length previously, I hate being late for anything, and I was busy checking the score as I waited in line.

Was then a quick walk to the turnstiles past the club shop. I’ll say this: Bournemouth have some seriously attractive looking merchandise. I had read that they play in black and red stripes to echo AC Milan, but everyone I saw who was wearing official club gear looked really well turned out. Plus it was seriously cold (despite my run) so I was almost tempted to buy myself a coat.

The turnstiles were closed. Sensing another Guiseley experience of having to seek out someone to let me in, I bumped into one of the nicest stewards I’d ever met, a man mountain who looked like the double of Hightower from the Police Academy movies. He checked my ticket, let me in a side door and before I knew it I was in my seat….

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The Football Neutral: Match Eight – Bristol Rovers vs Chesterfield

October 27, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / Leave a comment

It seemed seriously busy around the Memorial Stadium, and whilst I’ve enjoyed my recent excursions to smaller stadiums I realised this would be the biggest crowd that I’ve been a part of for a while. Parking was oddly easy, a couple of hundred meters away. I walked down to the ticket office and bought one for the Blackthorn End, which I’d been reliably informed was where the best atmosphere is to be found (thanks Twitter).

There must be something about the air in Bristol that strips the years away from my tired face, as just like my trip to Ashton Gate I was asked if I was over 21 when buying my ticket. You have no idea what kind of spring that puts in my step, nice lady in the ticket office.

Most of the fans seemed to be crammed into a bar behind the Blackthorn End, watching Palace vs Arsenal on the TV. The windows were steamed up from the sheer humanity pressed up into every spare corner, and drinkers spilled outside, their pints getting gradually diluted by the steady drizzle.

Once inside the stadium, as always I sought out sustenance. I found a concession stand that had no queue because they’d run out of hot water and everyone seemingly wanted Bovril. I’ve never ever met anyone who enjoys Bovril. Do people only drink it at the football in social situations? I bet nobody ever drinks it at home when they’re just sat on the sofa watching the telly. They’re the hot beverage equivalent of a Mojito.

You can’t buy burgers or hot dogs at the Memorial Stadium. You can only buy pastry, ideally in the pasty format. I feel that I was being judged by the guy that served me for choosing a steak and kidney pie. Even better, for a mere £5 I got said pie, a bottle of water (emptied into a cup, grrr), a massive bag of crisps and a huge twix. Everything had started rather well.

The terrace seemed empty until about two minutes before kickoff, then the steamy bar emptied and all of a sudden we were all very snug. A cacophony of noise accompanied both teams arrival, and it enabled me to see where the Chesterfield fans were – sat up the other end, to the side of the pitch without any cover. The stand behind the other goal seemed to be topped off with the remnants of a marquee, but the rest of the ground seemed busy and certainly decent enough to host football….

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The Football Neutral: Match Seven – Guiseley vs Histon

October 20, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / 5 Comments

I eventually arrived in Guiseley 10 minutes after kickoff. Parking was easy, all of twenty meters from the stadium. I casually wandered up to the turnstile.

It was closed.

I panicked. The feeling of embarrassment of getting to a game and then somehow missing it was replaced by genuine anger at the turnstiles being closed so bloody early. I knocked. Nobody answered. I presumed that was that, so went for a walk. As luck would have it I passed another turnstile (marked “away turnstile for segregated fixtures”) that was still open. I walked in and disturbed the nice chap who was watching the door. He was engrossed in the game. He let me in, took my money and gave me some sweets.

He noticed my accent, and we got chatting. Initially he thought I was a Histon fan (seriously, without looking on a map or Wikipedia, YOU have a go at a Histon accent. No clue) but I told him about my project and he was an utter joy to chat to for a few minutes. He explained to me that I’d visited at a tough time for the club, only one win all season and six defeats in a row. As he said that, Guiseley nearly scored with a cheeky long range effort that bounced in front of the Histon keeper and nearly foxed him. As we chatted, Guiseley certainly didn’t seem like the sort of club that were struggling – no long ball, lots of decent passing and attacking intention.

My new mate told me of the best player he’d ever seen play for the club: Frank Worthington. I explained that I’m a Leicester supporter and he’s also the best player my Dad ever saw play for us (beating Muzzy Izzett into close second place). Apparently Wortho was well into his forties when he rocked up at Guiseley and was still an inspiration. Would have loved to have seen him play at that level, socks rolled down and a rakish mustache accompanying his mullet….

If you enjoyed this tiny extract then please feel free to pick up my Kindle ebook for less than £2. This match in full plus loads more, over 300 pages of me travelling around the country being daft. Ta!

The Football Neutral: Match Six – Hereford United vs Dartford

October 13, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / 2 Comments

…Having checked the fixtures on Friday it became clear that I had to travel a long way to watch a game on the Saturday. With those bloody annoying women in my head as I returned to my hotel, it seemed that Hereford was the best bet for a game. I’d been there before, watching Leicester draw 0-0 in the FA Cup 3rd Round with them years back, a game that I remember fondly for two reasons.

Firstly, upon arriving we parked in the official car park. It was a cold and frosty day (when has 3rd round day ever been anything else?) and we spotted the one and only John Motson clambering onto a precarious TV gantry wearing his trusty sheepskin. We shouted at him, and as he turned to wave at us he slipped and nearly fell 30 feet to the floor. Me and two mates nearly killed one of the greatest commentators the game has ever known.

The second moment was only seen by me, and I am still protesting years on that this actually happened. The away end was next to some traffic lights that we could see from the height of the terracing. At some point during the first half, a cattle truck pulled up at the lights. Whilst everyone else was distracted by the game, I found myself drawn to the truck and like magic, one sole cow pulled itself up at the head of the truck, looked at me, and then lowered itself down again. I nudged my friends to see if they’d seen it and they haven’t believed me since.

I expected to attend Hereford vs Dartford with Nathan, but his chicken binge the previous night had left him feeling quite unwell. As I set off – on a dreary day, missing home and my fiancee terribly – I realised that Hereford was halfway home and the temptation to skip the game and my gig that night was quite high.

I also cursed the League of Wales for not having enough teams in South Wales, although I can kind of understand it with the dominance of Cardiff, Swansea and now Newport. I really wanted to watch Merthyr Town play, but their game was scheduled for Sunday. So with no choice, a 120 mile round trip it was.

I parked in the same car park where I nearly killed John Motson years before, a car park that on this day was more full of shoppers than football fans. Crucially, nobody apart from me seemed interested in paying for their parking or sticking to the assigned bays.

The matchday experience started well, as I had the best burger I’ve had in a long time at a game. Thinking about it, this should be expected, with my pre-match treat no doubt made of a descendent of the cow that winked at me a decade ago. It did, shut up…

If you liked this little snippet then please help me out by purchasing my full ebook review of 2013/14 for less than £2 from Amazon. Over 300 pages of me messing around watching football all over the place. Ta!

The Football Neutral: Match One – Bristol City vs Wolves

September 16, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / Leave a comment

Look at this over-excited idiot.

…Miniscule Potential Problems For A Worrier

Ashton Gate is a proper stadium. I know we don’t get standing at many grounds these days, but there’s something charming about Bristol City’s little ground. Some fairly new stands, some corners that look like they should be condemned, each side a different height. I’m never one for those “bowl” type stadia. Research told me that, in theory, there are two popular ends – fitting in with my rules of going where the noise and the fun is. My decision was made for me though, as the small area (1200 seats or so) that are allocated to home fans in the Wedlock Stand – more affectionately known as the East End – had sold out upon my arrival. Apparently this is where the “East End Ultras” congregate.

I have an issue with British fans using the term “Ultras”. In Europe, Ultras are both massive in number and noise, with choreographed displays, enormous flags, flares and occasionally despicable political views. In Britain this just seems to translate as “the small section of the crowd where we’ve got license to act like knobs”.

I certainly didn’t see any such behaviour from the City fans on Saturday from the East End, but equally they didn’t seem to be louder than the end where I ended up – the Atyeo Stand. Buying a ticket there led to my first problem of the day. As I queued up with the locals, I became incredibly aware that my accent is closer to Wolverhampton than Bristol, and also that I had no idea how to pronounce the name of the stand I wanted to sit in. This caused genuine panic for several minutes. Think about it. How would you pronounce it? I reasoned that AT – YE – OH was the best option.

I was wrong.

Luckily, the woman in the ticket booth gently corrected me – it’s ATTY – OH – and immediately made my day by asking how old I was. When I replied with the genuine answer – I’m 35 – she giggled and told me that I looked 21. Maybe it’s the lack of sunlight in my life, maybe it was the baseball cap covering my male pattern baldness, maybe she had glaucoma. She was nice, as was the woman who sold me a burger and the woman who sold me a pie, all ruddy cheeked 40 or 50 somethings with glorious west country accents and I imagine 3 or 4 well turned out kids each and a husband with a well stocked shed and a lot of tomato plants.

My panic over pronunciation led to me starting to fear other aspects of the game: Would I stick out like a sore thumb and be somehow rumbled as an interloper by a cabal of City fans? Even worse, could I check the Leicester score without looking like some kind of disheveled hooligan scout for a game that wasn’t even on the fixture list?…

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What’s All This About Then?

September 16, 2013 / megagoalz / Leave a comment

Here’s me then.

Should you know much about me, you’ll be aware that I’m a huge football fan. Massive. I’ve loved it since the first match I watched on Television (Dundee United vs Roma, UEFA Cup Semi Final, 1984) and I’ll talk about it at any chance I get, usually turning the subject around to my beloved Leicester City.

Last campaign was the first since my early teens that I didn’t have a season ticket to watch City, because in recent years work as a comedian has kept me away from Leicester on Saturdays. For the uninitiated, as a comic you’re often marooned in a hotel somewhere in the UK for a whole weekend, left desperately filling time as best you can. I am not very good at this, so can often be found just wasting time sleeping in my car once the Travelodge has booted me out, or watching a film that I never wanted to see in the first place (probably starring Tom cruise, and I HATE him).

I have also voluntarily taken myself far away from the city of my birth by moving to Wales to be with my fiancee. She’s ace, and allows me to have Sky Sports, but I do miss the buzz of watching a game every weekend.

So I’ve had an idea.

Every Saturday afternoon from September until the end of the season, I’ll go and watch a football match close by to where I’m performing that evening. If by a strange quirk of diary I’m not working, then I’ll still seek out a football match. Then every week I’ll write up my experiences here, and (fingers crossed) hopefully release the whole thing, unabridged and with photos and extra stuff as a book when the season concludes.

The seeds of this idea were sowed a year ago when I was passing by Swindon on my way to working in Bath, and sought out my friend Ivo Graham (currently wowing audiences in Edinburgh at the Fringe). We watched Swindon draw 2-2 with Coventry, and it was one of the best afternoons I’d had in ages. Football, visiting a different stadium, experiencing sitting in the popular end of a club that wasn’t Leicester, pies, Paulo Di Canio virtually having a seizure – the day had it all. And now, I want to do it again. Lots.

I have set myself a few rules, however.

1: No Premier League games. First off, I’ve been to every stadium in the top flight anyway, but I want to experience football on every other level. There’s no lower limit, and I’ll be honest and say that I want to go and see a fiercely contested FA Vase game in the middle of nowhere if that’s where my travels have taken me.

2: No visiting the same place twice. For example, I gig in Bristol a lot. So if I’m there four times during the season, I can’t go to Ashton Gate four times – especially when there are a load more places for me to visit nearby.

3: Whatever ground I visit, I must make the home team my own for the day and support them as enthusiastically as I possibly can. Even if it ends up being Coventry or Forest.

4: I must sit or stand in the “popular end” of whatever stadium I visit. No prawn sandwich brigade for me, nor taking freebies from clubs. I want to pay my money and go through the turnstile with proper fans.

5: This is the hardest one. I must not, even if I end up being in the same town as them at the same time, sneakily watch Leicester City. I don’t think that’ll help me learn anything about the so-called “Beautiful Game” – and there’s a fair chance that I’ll end up miserable before my gig in the evening.

Them’s the rules. With those in place, it’s time for me to start looking at my diary and some fixture lists and making some plans. Every Saturday is up for grabs, and at the moment my gig diary is nicely full – there is only one exception (I cannot work on November 9th due to personal commitments) and I’ll keep updating it as and when gigs come in for 2014. Check out my diary page here.

I’ll also be looking for people to hang out with me at games. Sometimes they’ll be the comics I’m working with that weekend (me and Paul Pirie once had an excellent afternoon watching Rochdale vs MK Dons), but I’d also like to hear from superfans and supporters clubs who are willing to have a heavily tattooed comedian hang out with them on the terraces and enjoy, for one day only, supporting their club. So if you see that I’m headed your way (or you happen to be a publisher interested in the final book), please get in touch.

I’ll announce on Twitter every week the game that I’m planning on taking in that weekend, so make sure you follow me on there if this is the sort of sport-based daftness that you’ll enjoy.

I’ll put the match reports / experiences / travelogues up here and on my actual website too, so you can read them and hopefully smile.

I’m really excited about this! Spread the word if you see fit, and I’ll probably bump into one or two of you somewhere out there in football-land.

AMENDMENT: 16th September

I’m really enjoying this so far, three games in – and I’ve realised that the odd diary clash will mean that I can’t always go to a game on a Saturday. I’ve also realised that I really want to watch even more games, fill in the odd Tuesday here and there and experience as much as I can. So my little project has been changed from being called “It’s What Saturdays Are For” to “The Football Neutral” because it’s way easier to remember!

Jim Smallman – The Football Neutral

Comedian watches football, writes about it.

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