Pre Match:
Debate on who is leading the Germany attack. Whoever it is, he’ll be better than Wayne Rooney is at the moment.
Oh god, we’re on ITV again.
1: I really do enjoy the ITV font, mind you.
2: Mario Gotze doesn’t half look like Justin Bieber.
4: Considering how hot it is, they aren’t half running around a lot. Commentators mentioned the temperature by stating that ALL Germans go on holiday to Portugal. Surprised they didn’t get an outdated towels on the sunbeds reference in.
7: JAPANESE THEMED JOKE: Paulo Bento is the Portugal coach. When he was a player he was good in the box. EH? EH?
8: Khedira should have scored. Awful clearance from Rui Patricio in the Portugal goal straight to the German midfielder who hits it first time and misses the open goal by a couple of feet. Not the easiest of chances, but still a golden one with the Portuguese keeper nowhere to be seen.
9: Portuguese keepers are usually mental, aren’t they? I used to love that they had one called Quim. Still makes me laugh now.
11: GOAL – GERMANY – THOMAS MULLER: Another penalty. Mario Gotze is brought down in the box by Joao Pereira who could well have been sent off for denying the goalscoring chance. The Bieber-alike looks lively, and one would imagine Miroslav Klose trying desperately to get onto the pitch as the penalty was given so he could break the World Cup scoring record.
14: Sami Khedira just ran faster than I have ever seen him run in a Real Madrid shirt. There’s no way that his speed rating in FIFA Ultimate Team is correct based on that.
16: I’m led to believe that Helder Postiga is still playing for Portugal. Unbelievable. I’m surprised he’s still even a professional footballer.
18: Nani actually fouls Philip Lahm in the middle of the park. What a terrifying turn of events for the lightweight midfielder. Not seen Nani even put a tackle in for about five years now, and that was by accident.
21: I think the German kit might be the nicest of the tournament so far. Although the Bosnia one is pretty smart too. The Portugal one however is over complicated and makes it look like a 1990s J-League strip from Japan.
24: They’ve just called Nani “capable”. I think a lot of Manchester United supporters would beg to differ. He has still had a decent shot from outside the box though.
25: Just heard the stat that Hugo Almeida has scored one goal in the last three months for Besiktas, but he STILL has a better goalscoring record than Helder Postiga who is their other option. This is why Portugal won’t ever win anything: They have one AMAZING player and pretty much nobody else. Everyone in the German side would walk into every Premier League team.
27: Almeida now hurt and off, with Eder replacing him. Almeida has an amazing moustache.
30: Honestly, supporting Portugal isn’t much better than supporting Wales. If that one player doesn’t play well then you’re doomed.
31: Wonderful ball from Kroos to Ozil who cuts the ball back to Gotze and his shot is deflected out for a corner. Germany are terrifying.
32: GOAL – GERMANY – MATS HUMMELS: And as I type that, from the corner Hummels powers in a header that is of the proper old-school centre back style. Portugal could get hammered here.
34: I’ve been spending most of this half so far on Twitter making terrible puns based on the aforementioned Portugal keeper Quim. We’ve now moved on to the funniest names in football – mine being the tremendous Berdnt Haas.
36: Literally none of the German team have a haircut that their Dad would be disappointed in.
37: RED CARD – PORTUGAL – PEPE: From bad to worse for Portugal as their best defender is sent off for clashing with Thomas Muller. Flails an elbow and then sticks his head in afterwards. Muller makes too much of it to start with, but a definite straight red card.
42: I’m still not sure who the centre forward is for Germany, but I do know that it could be any of five players based on how they keep attacking.
44: Already planning a kebab. Damn these days filled with football where there is no time to cook. THAT’S MY EXCUSE, OK?
45: GOAL – GERMANY – THOMAS MULLER: Bloody hell. Who saw this coming, then? Portugal couldn’t clear a corner, Kroos pumps it back in to Muller who easily holds off a weak challenge from Bruno Alves and puts it in off the legs of Rui Patricio. Let’s not forget that Portugal will probably still qualify from this group, but cripes.
Half Time:
Adrian Chiles has told us that they’ve nearly come to blows in the ITV studio. Presumably because he’s an annoying prick.
Back from the break and Adrian Chiles has just said that play-acting on the field is “dangerous”. Please shut up.
Pepe’s perm is magnificent, mind you.
Fabio Cannavaro has not got any more interesting since we last saw him. His English is excellent, mind you. A lot better than my Italian.
Chiles is getting so angry that he’s turned crimson. He needs to learn that he’s a host, not a pundit.
I am definitely a fan of Germany being managed my that lass out of the band Sleeper.
45: Hardly anybody is back in their seat. Presumably every fan is as angry as Adrian Chiles.
49: This will now go one of two ways. It’ll stay 3-0 to Germany and they’ll have a rest, or they’ll press on and batter Portugal even more. I really hope it’s the latter.
51: Ronaldo loses the ball in midfield and doesn’t bother trying to win it back, leading to a decent chance for Ozil that is saved, the rebound a tricky header for Muller who puts it over.
52: Portugal are now tackling each other.
54: Germany are passing the ball around in little triangles and essentially taking the piss. Am hoping they make a substitution sooner rather than later as a squad player comes on to try and prove and point and livens things up a tad.
56: HEY KIDS! DO YOU LIKE PASSING THE BALL IN TRIANGLES? HAVE WE GOT THE GAME FOR YOU!
59: Freekick to Portugal outside the box. Ronaldo lines up. Commentators DESPERATE to have him score, like they’ve got some kind of line rehearsed for him doing so.
62: Ozil off, Andre Schurrle on.
63: Fabio Coentrao pulls up injured. Sad to see anyone get injured, not least someone with hair as magnificent as his. He truly is the second coming of Limahl. His name is a nightmare to spell, mind.
68: Gotze should have had another, selflessly put in by Schurrle. Germany need to bring Klose on because he’ll be desperate to score.
70: Kebab ordered. I am a monster.
73: Former Everton player Shkrodan Mustafi comes on for the injured Hummels. I did not know that he used to play for Everton, making it thee first decent fact that I have ever learned from ITV commentary,
77: Toni Kroos should move to Chelsea. He’s the best defensive midfielder I’ve seen in ages, and we all know how much Mourinho loves players like that, especially with Fabregas directly replacing Frank Lampard.
78: GOAL – GERMANY – MULLER: They always say you should hammer it low across goal and cause panic. It worked here; Schurrle whipping it in from the right hand side, Rui Patricio palming it straight into the path of Muller who claims his hat trick. Commentators desperate to call him a pantomime villain, even though Pepe was totally correctly sent off earlier.
80: Even the commentators are starting to acknowledge the rage of Adrian Chiles now. They’ve just said that the hat trick for Muller will mean he’ll need a “long walk on the beach”. Let us not forget that it was 2-0 before the sending off.
81: And now Muller is replaced by Lukas Podolski. I think he’s had a fairly decent day at the office, right? Now leading scorer in the whole tournament.
85: Ronaldo takes every free kick. You can see Raul Meireles behind him on every one with a look that says “you know, Cristiano… I can hit them as well”.
88: Ronaldo now doing stepovers as it’s revealed on commentary that he’s only ever scored two World Cup goals – against Iran and North Korea.
89: Raul Meireles looks like he should run a barbers shop in Shoreditch.
90+1: Ronaldo finally does something decent. His previous free kick managed to find the wall of ONE, this time he smashes it over the wall and Neuer makes a good save.
Full Time:
Far, far too easy for Germany who looked excellent. Portugal looked exposed; yes, they were down to ten men and yes, they suffered injuries but it’s never been more apparent that they’re a one man team.
They’ll talk about the red card but it WAS a sending off; Pepe was stupid enough to put his head to Muller so deserved to go. Adrian Chiles presumably got Portugal in the ITV sweepstakes, hence the sheer level of anger.
Bring back Quim.
Man of the Match: Toni Kroos
Match Rating: 7/10
Jim Smallman - The Football Neutral 