The Football Neutral: Match Twenty Three – York City vs Burton Albion

April 3, 2014June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / 1 Comment

This is now an edited version of the original blog… you can read the full one by downloading my Football Neutral 2013/14 season review on Kindle. Well over 300 pages of daftness. Less than £2! Thanks!

…Like most older stadiums, Bootham Crescent is surrounded by terraced housing. In one of the tiny little front yards, a goth man stood gardening. A proper goth. Completely done up in full regalia. Well, not quite full – I presume his full length leather trenchcoat was left inside as it was quite warm – but he was wearing makeup, his long hair dyed the blackest of blacks (for another sitcom reference, the black of a priest’s socks in Father Ted) and he was wearing long fishnet sleeves over a short sleeved black t-shirt. We were agog. I’ll be honest, seeing a goth in a supermarket is a weird enough experience; seeing one with a trowel in hand potting some plants is mind-bendingly weird. Fair play to him though; he didn’t care that every single football supporter walking past noticed this rather odd sight. He just got on doing what he was doing; I suspect trying to grow black roses or something like that.

Following on from the goth experience, we rounded a corner to head into the ground. As we did so, we saw the fattest policeman that I have ever seen. Honestly, he must have been at least 25 stone AND not exactly tall. He was waving people across the road as he stopped a car, and I was surprised to not see him pull out a pasty to enjoy whilst he had a spare second. He was the kind of chubby that made him resemble a cartoon character. I am confident that even with dodgy knees, an irregular heartbeat and sciatica that I could outrun him in a pursuit. He was so lardy that I reckon anything like that would immediately kill him.

As you walk to the turnstile for the David Longhurst Stand (named after the York striker who tragically died on the pitch in 1990) I noticed that most of the windows in the Main Stand look like badly built extensions; all jutted out and surrounded by red painted wood. The turnstile we entered just says “ground” on it. £17 and you’re in, and you can either stay stood on the Longhurst Terrace, or you can pay an extra £1 to sit in the Popular Stand. And on this particular day, both stands were definitely popular. The sun was out and the ground seemed pretty full to me…

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The Football Neutral: Match Twenty Two – Burton Albion vs AFC Wimbledon

March 16, 2014June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / 4 Comments

…I had to park out the back of the industrial units, near to a sandwich packing factory. As I got out and put on my coat, I noticed the fattest man I have ever seen wearing a hairnet smoking a cigarette. He finished it, and whilst staring at me, slowly got out another and lit it. At this point I was not entirely sure that he was employed by the company.

As I approached the stadium near the away end, I caught a glimpse of the terrace I would be in, the West Stand. Massive flags everywhere, reminding me of a miniature version of Dortmund’s Signal Iduna Park (which, for the record, sounds nowhere near as good as Westfalenstadion). Even with a modest history, it seems the Burton fans are desperate to promote a good atmosphere and club feel; my initial theory is that it would be like my trip to Dagenham, but transplanted into the Midlands – all Derby, Forest and maybe Leicester fans choosing to watch a more local team to save some money and get their kids into the game. Wrong. Everyone I met was Albion through and through, and some of the most knowledgeable fans I’ve met this year.

Now for some criticism. I apologise in advance, because Burton really is a cracking club and I had a great day. But: their club badge is stupid. Really horrible.

It’s like someone saw the Ajax badge (made up of just a few lines) and thought it could be recreated. It can’t. A guy in the ground had a proper retro flag that would have been a MUCH better choice. I’m just putting this out there. There’s isn’t much other criticism, honest. Certainly not of the ticket prices, because they’re easy to get: £15 to stand, £20 to sit. Same for both home and away fans (which is incredibly rare higher up the leagues so I’m always pleasantly shocked by it). Three stands are terraced, then the main stand has seats where you actually have to buy a ticket from the main office. For us lucky standers, it’s just cash on the gate, exactly how football should be.

Once in the ground, I needed food. I’ve been on a diet for two weeks since meeting wrestler turned Yoga guru “Diamond” Dallas Page and starting his DDP Yoga programme, so was allowed something unhealthy. Burton is the place you want to go if you fancy something naughty, trust me…

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The Football Neutral: Match Twenty One – Portsmouth vs Cheltenham Town

March 10, 2014June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / Leave a comment

…The last time I went to Fratton Park was for a 2-0 Leicester win. It was just over ten years ago, and was a Premier League encounter. It was probably a bit of an upset us picking up the victory, as Portsmouth’s side that day featured the likes of Dejan Stefanovic, Alexei Smertin, Steve Stone, Patrik Berger, Tim Sherwood, Ayegbeni Yakubu and Teddy Sheringham.

In 2008, Pompey won the FA Cup. I remember watching their victory over Manchester United at Old Trafford in the quarter finals on a TV at the King Power Stadium, everyone cheering wildly when Sulley Muntari scored the winning goal from the penalty spot – because everybody loves an upset. That was six years ago.

Somehow, Pompey are now mid table in League Two. The fourth tier. How on earth did this happen? I know as a Leicester supporter that we’ve experienced some boom and bust times, but the fate that has befallen Portsmouth in recent seasons is as dramatic and cruel as it could possibly be. Whilst as a Leicester supporter we have never got on with the Pompey fans (once me and my Dad got chased out of the away end, the first time I’d ever seen my old man run at the time. I think I was 19), you can’t argue that they’re amongst the most loyal and loud in the country. In fact, when I said that I was going to Fratton Park (a consequence of having two gigs on the Saturday evening in the area) I got a load of tweets from football fans waxing lyrical about the great atmosphere down there.

I have memories of it myself, remembering a City defeat down there in the 1990s where the roar of the Fratton End celebrating a goal was about as loud as I’ve ever heard, even in a relatively small stadium. I really fancied going to a match that would be LOUD, and properly so, and I knew this would be the case. Portsmouth had decided to make the game incredibly cheap (just a tenner for adults, as little as a quid for kids) and when researching stuff ahead of the game on Friday I realised that it may well be a sellout. This was excellent news indeed…

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The Football Neutral: Match Twenty – Newport County AFC vs Cheltenham Town

February 24, 2014June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / Leave a comment

…When I got to Newport, I realised that I once performed at a kids gig in the arts centre there. This isn’t a knock on Newport itself, but it is the quietest arts centre I have ever been to. I imagine it’s called “The White Elephant”, or something like that. Rodney Parade is much less empty, with the fans in yellow and black making a bee-line (shut up, I know that’s a weak pun) to the stadium as I drove in from the M4. Trouble is, there’s so many of them and so little parking that I needed to drive a bit further afield to find somewhere to stash my car.

Helpfully, there is a pay and display car park next just down the road from the ground that is just £2 for a whole day. Unhelpfully, it’s pay and display and the only coins I had were Euros. As a side note: How small are Euro pennies? They are tiny. I imagine many children within the EU have eaten them. Often by complete accident.

I was left with the task of finding a car park where I could pay on my exit, ideally by card because I never have any actual change. Any cash that I do have often finds its way out of my pockets and into the deepest, darkest recesses of my car, never to be seen or spent again. If you stole my car now you would easily find £8,000 in change within it. And I’ve only owned it for a year.

Parking in the main Newport shopping centre, I found my way out, went to a cash machine to get my ticket money, and crossed over the River Usk right next to the aforementioned arts centre, tumbleweed blowing out of its doors. This was a hefty 15 minute walk, most of it spent behind three Cheltenham fans who kept stopping to pose for ridiculous pictures whenever they could. When there was nobody else around they were quick to sing Cheltenham songs and act the fool, but the minute they saw anyone they suspected to be Welsh then the bravado stopped. To their credit, at least they weren’t employing the ludicrous sheepshagger stereotypes that I’ve detailed in earlier versions of this blog.

As we crossed the footbridge, two youths approached with mildly terrifying dogs. They barked and lunged at the Cheltenham fans, one of whom screamed in a most effeminate and amusing manner. Then a policeman on a bike rode past and the dogs turned on him. Instead of screaming he merely said “ah, dinnertime is it lads?” and rode away, winking at me as he went….

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The Football Neutral: Match Nineteen – AFC Ajax vs PSV Eindhoven

January 27, 2014June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / 25 Comments

…Sometimes when writing this blog I there is a need for me to have a week off; perhaps due to my diary being suddenly changed or having to work on a Saturday afternoon (because much as I adore football and my little project, I still have bills to pay). I’m writing this on a Saturday afternoon when you, dear reader, have gone two weeks without one of these daft little entries to read. No game for me today, because I’m in Brighton without a car or any money (I’ll come to that in a bit). So what on earth was my excuse last week?

Well, I couldn’t really watch a game at 3pm on a Saturday as usual as I was busy getting married. Really. At 3.30pm my long suffering fiancée became my wife, and my thoughts couldn’t have been further from football as we had a wonderful day surrounded by the closest of our family (and my mum and dad via Skype, as my mum is still poorly). A point of note: as the wife was getting her dress on I was downstairs watching Leicester playing Leeds on TV (sneakily, may I add) with my daughter and nephews. The very second that the Mrs had her beautiful gown zipped up, David Nugent scored the spawniest of goals to make it six wins in a row for my boys. If that isn’t a good omen then I don’t know what is.

The key to any successful relationship is compromise. Our honeymoon was booked for Amsterdam, one of our favourite places in the world, full of awesome people, architecture and my wife’s personal choice of hangout – coffee shops. If you’re innocent enough to presume that my bride is a massive fan of different brews of the brown stuff then you’ll need educating; On our last trip to the Netherlands we sat in many a different coffee shop surrounded by the haze of marijuana smoke as my other half got nicely toasted.

This is where the compromise comes in: I’m completely teetotal, deciding to adopt the straight-edge attitude to my life. I am however, not preachy with it; despite my own personal choices and weaknesses I see no point in putting my viewpoint on others. You’re fine to do whatever you want to do and I’ll probably have some sugar while you’re doing it. For example, if I refused to go anywhere that people drank alcohol my career as a comedian would be irreparably damaged. For the record, I’d much rather sit surrounded by stoners than I would drunks, and the big advantage of having the wife under the influence of weed is that I suddenly become the funniest man alive and we’re allowed to eat cake late at night with no cajoling required on my behalf.

So I knew that we would spend some of our time sat giggling in a coffee shop each day, smiling at the Dutch people (we try to avoid the tourist orientated areas where possible) and enjoying the décor which is nearly always graffiti from previous customers or airbrushed murals dedicated to Buddhism or Bob Marley. There’s not much else I can do whilst the Mrs has a smoke, although it does mean I’ll have at least three glasses of hot chocolate a day. Not made from powder, either – always Chocomel chocolate milk heated with a milk steamer and served with a tiny biscuit. Excellent. I always marvel that the staff of the coffee shops (usually only ever one or two people) manage to both be experts on marijuana, smoke their fair supply of the stuff themselves AND manage to look after money and be pretty decent Baristas. Great work…

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The Football Neutral: Match Eighteen – Wigan Athletic vs AFC Bournemouth

January 13, 2014June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / 1 Comment

…Now I’m not being mean, but the DW Stadium is in rather bleak surroundings. An industrial estate, a massive car park, a railway line and a shopping park border it – although things were made a little bit more jolly by the unexpected presence of a massive travelling circus. Also, when you’re stood outside it becomes obvious that the stadium itself could use a bit of a polish. The grey parts of the walls are a bit mildewy, but how do you go about cleaning that up when it’s so high? You can’t exactly spray it with a hose.

After parking up (it costs a fiver, but it’s seriously convenient), I headed across the bridge shown above to the stadium for a walk around it. As I began my circuit, I saw a kid wearing the saddest half-scarf of all time.

If you’re not familiar with the half-scarf phenomenon, this is how it works: Two teams play each other, and there’s apparently a level of mutual respect between the two sides. Thus a half-scarf is produced. I think I first saw these showing Manchester United on one half, Celtic on the other – this making sense as they’ve always had a close relationship. Since then though, it’s got a bit stupid. As West Ham got hammered 5-0 by Nottingham Forest the other week, they showed a kid on the crowd wearing a half scarf bearing both teams names. Why? Who on earth thought that was a good idea?

You watch the Champions League and these aberrations are everywhere. Here’s my impression: With the occasional exception (Leicester City and Athletic Madrid have a long standing friendship, for example), why on earth should you like another team? You love YOUR club. You don’t share that love with any other team. These scarves need eradicating from the planet as soon as possible.

To the kid that I saw. Wigan have, of course, been part of the Europa League this season, battling valiantly on the continent whilst facing the pressures of trying to get promoted from the Championship. Competing in this tournament has given rise to the half scarf within the DW Stadium. And the one that I saw, showing that the form has already well and truly jumped the shark:

One half Wigan Athletic. Acceptable. The other half… Maribor.

Yep….

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The Football Neutral: Match Seventeen – Kidderminster Harriers vs Peterborough United

January 6, 2014June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / 1 Comment

Oh yes, it’s the magic of the cup (copyright the Football Association, Budweiser, BT Sport and ITV).

If I hadn’t have attended a third round FA Cup tie as my first match of 2014 then something would, of course, been incredibly wrong. But with that said, the cup doesn’t have the same sheen on it as it used to – and with many a fan on phone-ins and message boards trying to figure out why attendances have dropped and the like, I think I can add my weight to these discussions. I’m 13 stone, so brace yourselves.

I chose to go to Kidderminster vs Peterborough not just because it was on my way from Manchester (where I had been a guest on Fighting Talk) to Bristol, where my first (and thankfully non Christmassy) gig of the year was in the evening, but also because it had the air of a proper cup tie. A non league team up against decent league opposition with the prospect of a shock hanging in the air, much better than choosing to see a couple of decent sized clubs put out their reserves after the busy festive season.

Aggborough was packed, but we’ll come to that in a while. I’m writing this up later than normal, on Monday evening. I have, since Saturday afternoon, watched several other games on TV and seen reports and highlights of others. Stadiums half empty. Youth players blooded because the league is more important. Managers talking the competition down.

I can explain the first bit. People seem to think that fans have been turned off of the FA Cup, but that’s nonsense. Of course we haven’t. You try telling the Wigan fans that the Cup wasn’t worth it last season. Speaking as a Leicester City fan, I follow one of the biggest clubs to never win the FA Cup. We took a fair few thousand fans to watch our game at Stoke on Saturday, even though we knew we’d put our reserves up against theirs. I remember the last time we got to the quarter finals a fair few years back, and the anticipation of the tie against Blackburn was unbelievable. Fans love the cup. That really hasn’t changed. We all want a day out at Wembley, even if it is overpriced and lacking the character of the old place with its horrible wooden benches….

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The Football Neutral: Match Sixteen – Ebbsfleet United vs Sutton United

December 23, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / Leave a comment

…Northfleet Station is tiny. It’s a couple of platforms, backing onto a scrapyard. The black skies, dull light and driving wind and rain did make the entire place seem impossibly bleak. It feels like the middle of nowhere. It is, by near-London rules, the middle of bloody nowhere. It was at this point that I reached the ground, saw the turnstile, and remembered that I needed a cash machine.

I wandered hopelessly around the stadium for five minutes, and eventually spied a corner shop. OK, it wasn’t on a corner. It was a middle unit. But the phrase stands. They had a cash machine. One of those really dodgy ones that don’t even have the link logo on and you swipe your card through rather than inserting it. I suspect my bank account is currently being used to buy illegal goods somewhere in the USA by a teenage hacker.

It’s a tenner to watch Ebbsfleet, and it seems that they get decent crowds for the level they’re at. They had a decent stint in the Conference National, and this is their first season back down at South level. Stonebridge Road holds about 5,000, with covered seats behind one goal and on one side, a massive covered terrace down the other side (where I chose to stand) and an uncovered terrace behind the other goal that can rival the old away end at Barnsley in terms of looking grim, especially in the wind and rain. Dwarfed by a massive pylon and with industrial equipment dotted across the horizon, it’s the sort of stadium architecture that I genuinely love. This is a PROPER ground, no doubt about it.

The talk amongst the Ebbsfleet fans was of their recent form. I’d read on the Internet that they are in the best form out of EVERY team in the top 6 tiers of English football, and their fans were a decent mix. Whoever handles the club’s official twitter feed told me there were two places I could watch the game from: Behind the goal in the seats if I wanted youthful exuberance, drumming and the like; of standing on the halfway line if I wanted to listen to older fans talking about the game in either serious or comic tones. I chose the latter….

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The Football Neutral: Match Fifteen – Cheltenham Town vs Hartlepool United

December 15, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / Leave a comment

…Whaddon Road is in the middle of a housing estate that feels quite un-Cheltenham. Of course, football grounds are only ever in two places: In the middle of a housing estate or on the outskirts of a town. The former are always better. If you’re watching football in Germany or Portugal you can add two other places: in the middle of a forest or on the side of a mountain.

Saturday was also a big racing day at Cheltenham, and the town centre full of Christmas shoppers so traffic around the ground was a little slow. Did wonder if Town struggle for a decent attendance on days where the racing and the football clash. I’ve done gigs at the racecourse in the past and even though it’s on the outskirts of town, racing is a seriously big deal in these parts.

I parked up on a side street and headed to the ground with about 20 minutes to spare. There were signs everywhere saying that parking restrictions are in place during matchdays. These signs are clearly a massive lie, because you can park where you want quite safely and for free.

The Prestbury Road End was where I was headed, another terrace behind a goal for me to rejoice in. Luckily it was covered, because even though the sun was out the wind was swirling around enough to make me put up both of my hoods. I’m a two-hoods kind of guy on a blustery day, that’s for sure. Didn’t seem to be too many people around, even close to matchday. Didn’t see a single Hartlepool fan, although I reasoned there would be some, even if I could probably count them on one hand.

The smallest away support that I ever saw before I started my challenge this season was actually at a top flight game. Must have been around 1994 or 1995, and Sheffield Wednesday were hosting Wimbledon. I went to the game with my Owls supporting Uncle and my schoolfriend Andrew. On the journey there, Andrew threw up all over the velour seating in the rear of my Uncle’s Saab 900, then when we got to Sheffield city centre a water main had burst and several streets were flooded. Eventually in the ground at the Kop End of Hillsborough, I spent a few minutes counting the Wimbledon fans in the Leppings Lane end. Thirty six in total. That’s not even a busload…

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The Football Neutral: Match Fourteen – Stevenage vs Stourbridge

December 10, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / Leave a comment

…Stourbridge occupied the South Stand directly opposite. It was reported after the game that they’d taken nearly 900 fans with them to the game, even better when you consider that their average home attendance is less than half that. They were incredibly loud and, it has to be said, pretty funny throughout the game.

As we kicked off, I could get a look at Stourbridge. Now I knew that they were the lowest ranked club left in the FA Cup, but seeing them gave you a true impression of this. Of course, no squad names or numbers. But then you looked at their club sponsor and realised that they’re actually officially backed by a dental surgery. One defender didn’t even have a sponsor on his shirt at all. I’m presuming this is because they ran out of kit and iron-on logos, rather than a Papiss Cisse-like aversion to the ethics of the sponsor in question.

Stourbridge started strongest. And I mean REALLY strong. They played without fear and with the rocket up the arse that the FA Cup provides a smaller team. They worked their socks off, chasing down everything and being first to every loose ball. Up front Luke Benbow impressed, quick and powerful and with an eye for goal. Veteran Stevenage keeper Chris Day had to be at his best to keep the non-league side at bay, and the Stourbridge fans grew louder with every chance.

The Stevenage fans were pretty quiet, but I’m not going to criticise here. I’ve been to watch Leicester play much smaller sides in the cup and it is difficult to generate an atmosphere when winning is expected. You get the feeling that Broadhall Way could be a much more lively venue if a bigger team was in town and driving the fans on to back their side; As it was, the Stourbridge fans supplied all the atmosphere – although at one point they were singing the Yaya / Kolo Toure song that I saw the Connah’s Quay fans singing a few weeks back. Look, it’s funny but it’s not THAT funny….

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Jim Smallman – The Football Neutral

Comedian watches football, writes about it.

Author: megagoalz