The Football Neutral: Match Twenty – Newport County AFC vs Cheltenham Town

February 24, 2014June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / Leave a comment

This is now an edited version of the original blog… you can read the full one by downloading my Football Neutral 2013/14 season review on Kindle. Well over 300 pages of daftness. Less than £2! Thanks!

…When I got to Newport, I realised that I once performed at a kids gig in the arts centre there. This isn’t a knock on Newport itself, but it is the quietest arts centre I have ever been to. I imagine it’s called “The White Elephant”, or something like that. Rodney Parade is much less empty, with the fans in yellow and black making a bee-line (shut up, I know that’s a weak pun) to the stadium as I drove in from the M4. Trouble is, there’s so many of them and so little parking that I needed to drive a bit further afield to find somewhere to stash my car.

Helpfully, there is a pay and display car park next just down the road from the ground that is just £2 for a whole day. Unhelpfully, it’s pay and display and the only coins I had were Euros. As a side note: How small are Euro pennies? They are tiny. I imagine many children within the EU have eaten them. Often by complete accident.

I was left with the task of finding a car park where I could pay on my exit, ideally by card because I never have any actual change. Any cash that I do have often finds its way out of my pockets and into the deepest, darkest recesses of my car, never to be seen or spent again. If you stole my car now you would easily find £8,000 in change within it. And I’ve only owned it for a year.

Parking in the main Newport shopping centre, I found my way out, went to a cash machine to get my ticket money, and crossed over the River Usk right next to the aforementioned arts centre, tumbleweed blowing out of its doors. This was a hefty 15 minute walk, most of it spent behind three Cheltenham fans who kept stopping to pose for ridiculous pictures whenever they could. When there was nobody else around they were quick to sing Cheltenham songs and act the fool, but the minute they saw anyone they suspected to be Welsh then the bravado stopped. To their credit, at least they weren’t employing the ludicrous sheepshagger stereotypes that I’ve detailed in earlier versions of this blog.

As we crossed the footbridge, two youths approached with mildly terrifying dogs. They barked and lunged at the Cheltenham fans, one of whom screamed in a most effeminate and amusing manner. Then a policeman on a bike rode past and the dogs turned on him. Instead of screaming he merely said “ah, dinnertime is it lads?” and rode away, winking at me as he went….

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The Football Neutral: Match Nineteen – AFC Ajax vs PSV Eindhoven

January 27, 2014June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / 25 Comments

…Sometimes when writing this blog I there is a need for me to have a week off; perhaps due to my diary being suddenly changed or having to work on a Saturday afternoon (because much as I adore football and my little project, I still have bills to pay). I’m writing this on a Saturday afternoon when you, dear reader, have gone two weeks without one of these daft little entries to read. No game for me today, because I’m in Brighton without a car or any money (I’ll come to that in a bit). So what on earth was my excuse last week?

Well, I couldn’t really watch a game at 3pm on a Saturday as usual as I was busy getting married. Really. At 3.30pm my long suffering fiancée became my wife, and my thoughts couldn’t have been further from football as we had a wonderful day surrounded by the closest of our family (and my mum and dad via Skype, as my mum is still poorly). A point of note: as the wife was getting her dress on I was downstairs watching Leicester playing Leeds on TV (sneakily, may I add) with my daughter and nephews. The very second that the Mrs had her beautiful gown zipped up, David Nugent scored the spawniest of goals to make it six wins in a row for my boys. If that isn’t a good omen then I don’t know what is.

The key to any successful relationship is compromise. Our honeymoon was booked for Amsterdam, one of our favourite places in the world, full of awesome people, architecture and my wife’s personal choice of hangout – coffee shops. If you’re innocent enough to presume that my bride is a massive fan of different brews of the brown stuff then you’ll need educating; On our last trip to the Netherlands we sat in many a different coffee shop surrounded by the haze of marijuana smoke as my other half got nicely toasted.

This is where the compromise comes in: I’m completely teetotal, deciding to adopt the straight-edge attitude to my life. I am however, not preachy with it; despite my own personal choices and weaknesses I see no point in putting my viewpoint on others. You’re fine to do whatever you want to do and I’ll probably have some sugar while you’re doing it. For example, if I refused to go anywhere that people drank alcohol my career as a comedian would be irreparably damaged. For the record, I’d much rather sit surrounded by stoners than I would drunks, and the big advantage of having the wife under the influence of weed is that I suddenly become the funniest man alive and we’re allowed to eat cake late at night with no cajoling required on my behalf.

So I knew that we would spend some of our time sat giggling in a coffee shop each day, smiling at the Dutch people (we try to avoid the tourist orientated areas where possible) and enjoying the décor which is nearly always graffiti from previous customers or airbrushed murals dedicated to Buddhism or Bob Marley. There’s not much else I can do whilst the Mrs has a smoke, although it does mean I’ll have at least three glasses of hot chocolate a day. Not made from powder, either – always Chocomel chocolate milk heated with a milk steamer and served with a tiny biscuit. Excellent. I always marvel that the staff of the coffee shops (usually only ever one or two people) manage to both be experts on marijuana, smoke their fair supply of the stuff themselves AND manage to look after money and be pretty decent Baristas. Great work…

There’s LOADS more to this report, so to get it (and 25 others from 2013-14) please download my ebook from the Kindle store. Costs less than £2 and is full of daft stories from my adventures over the season. Thanks!

The Football Neutral: Match Eighteen – Wigan Athletic vs AFC Bournemouth

January 13, 2014June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / 1 Comment

…Now I’m not being mean, but the DW Stadium is in rather bleak surroundings. An industrial estate, a massive car park, a railway line and a shopping park border it – although things were made a little bit more jolly by the unexpected presence of a massive travelling circus. Also, when you’re stood outside it becomes obvious that the stadium itself could use a bit of a polish. The grey parts of the walls are a bit mildewy, but how do you go about cleaning that up when it’s so high? You can’t exactly spray it with a hose.

After parking up (it costs a fiver, but it’s seriously convenient), I headed across the bridge shown above to the stadium for a walk around it. As I began my circuit, I saw a kid wearing the saddest half-scarf of all time.

If you’re not familiar with the half-scarf phenomenon, this is how it works: Two teams play each other, and there’s apparently a level of mutual respect between the two sides. Thus a half-scarf is produced. I think I first saw these showing Manchester United on one half, Celtic on the other – this making sense as they’ve always had a close relationship. Since then though, it’s got a bit stupid. As West Ham got hammered 5-0 by Nottingham Forest the other week, they showed a kid on the crowd wearing a half scarf bearing both teams names. Why? Who on earth thought that was a good idea?

You watch the Champions League and these aberrations are everywhere. Here’s my impression: With the occasional exception (Leicester City and Athletic Madrid have a long standing friendship, for example), why on earth should you like another team? You love YOUR club. You don’t share that love with any other team. These scarves need eradicating from the planet as soon as possible.

To the kid that I saw. Wigan have, of course, been part of the Europa League this season, battling valiantly on the continent whilst facing the pressures of trying to get promoted from the Championship. Competing in this tournament has given rise to the half scarf within the DW Stadium. And the one that I saw, showing that the form has already well and truly jumped the shark:

One half Wigan Athletic. Acceptable. The other half… Maribor.

Yep….

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The Football Neutral: Match Seventeen – Kidderminster Harriers vs Peterborough United

January 6, 2014June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / 1 Comment

Oh yes, it’s the magic of the cup (copyright the Football Association, Budweiser, BT Sport and ITV).

If I hadn’t have attended a third round FA Cup tie as my first match of 2014 then something would, of course, been incredibly wrong. But with that said, the cup doesn’t have the same sheen on it as it used to – and with many a fan on phone-ins and message boards trying to figure out why attendances have dropped and the like, I think I can add my weight to these discussions. I’m 13 stone, so brace yourselves.

I chose to go to Kidderminster vs Peterborough not just because it was on my way from Manchester (where I had been a guest on Fighting Talk) to Bristol, where my first (and thankfully non Christmassy) gig of the year was in the evening, but also because it had the air of a proper cup tie. A non league team up against decent league opposition with the prospect of a shock hanging in the air, much better than choosing to see a couple of decent sized clubs put out their reserves after the busy festive season.

Aggborough was packed, but we’ll come to that in a while. I’m writing this up later than normal, on Monday evening. I have, since Saturday afternoon, watched several other games on TV and seen reports and highlights of others. Stadiums half empty. Youth players blooded because the league is more important. Managers talking the competition down.

I can explain the first bit. People seem to think that fans have been turned off of the FA Cup, but that’s nonsense. Of course we haven’t. You try telling the Wigan fans that the Cup wasn’t worth it last season. Speaking as a Leicester City fan, I follow one of the biggest clubs to never win the FA Cup. We took a fair few thousand fans to watch our game at Stoke on Saturday, even though we knew we’d put our reserves up against theirs. I remember the last time we got to the quarter finals a fair few years back, and the anticipation of the tie against Blackburn was unbelievable. Fans love the cup. That really hasn’t changed. We all want a day out at Wembley, even if it is overpriced and lacking the character of the old place with its horrible wooden benches….

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The Football Neutral: Match Sixteen – Ebbsfleet United vs Sutton United

December 23, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / Leave a comment

…Northfleet Station is tiny. It’s a couple of platforms, backing onto a scrapyard. The black skies, dull light and driving wind and rain did make the entire place seem impossibly bleak. It feels like the middle of nowhere. It is, by near-London rules, the middle of bloody nowhere. It was at this point that I reached the ground, saw the turnstile, and remembered that I needed a cash machine.

I wandered hopelessly around the stadium for five minutes, and eventually spied a corner shop. OK, it wasn’t on a corner. It was a middle unit. But the phrase stands. They had a cash machine. One of those really dodgy ones that don’t even have the link logo on and you swipe your card through rather than inserting it. I suspect my bank account is currently being used to buy illegal goods somewhere in the USA by a teenage hacker.

It’s a tenner to watch Ebbsfleet, and it seems that they get decent crowds for the level they’re at. They had a decent stint in the Conference National, and this is their first season back down at South level. Stonebridge Road holds about 5,000, with covered seats behind one goal and on one side, a massive covered terrace down the other side (where I chose to stand) and an uncovered terrace behind the other goal that can rival the old away end at Barnsley in terms of looking grim, especially in the wind and rain. Dwarfed by a massive pylon and with industrial equipment dotted across the horizon, it’s the sort of stadium architecture that I genuinely love. This is a PROPER ground, no doubt about it.

The talk amongst the Ebbsfleet fans was of their recent form. I’d read on the Internet that they are in the best form out of EVERY team in the top 6 tiers of English football, and their fans were a decent mix. Whoever handles the club’s official twitter feed told me there were two places I could watch the game from: Behind the goal in the seats if I wanted youthful exuberance, drumming and the like; of standing on the halfway line if I wanted to listen to older fans talking about the game in either serious or comic tones. I chose the latter….

This is just a tiny extract from the full article – you can download the full match report and 25 more (plus tons of other stuff) by clicking here and spending less than £2 on my ebook on Kindle. Over 300 pages of football based nonsense!

The Football Neutral: Match Fifteen – Cheltenham Town vs Hartlepool United

December 15, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / Leave a comment

…Whaddon Road is in the middle of a housing estate that feels quite un-Cheltenham. Of course, football grounds are only ever in two places: In the middle of a housing estate or on the outskirts of a town. The former are always better. If you’re watching football in Germany or Portugal you can add two other places: in the middle of a forest or on the side of a mountain.

Saturday was also a big racing day at Cheltenham, and the town centre full of Christmas shoppers so traffic around the ground was a little slow. Did wonder if Town struggle for a decent attendance on days where the racing and the football clash. I’ve done gigs at the racecourse in the past and even though it’s on the outskirts of town, racing is a seriously big deal in these parts.

I parked up on a side street and headed to the ground with about 20 minutes to spare. There were signs everywhere saying that parking restrictions are in place during matchdays. These signs are clearly a massive lie, because you can park where you want quite safely and for free.

The Prestbury Road End was where I was headed, another terrace behind a goal for me to rejoice in. Luckily it was covered, because even though the sun was out the wind was swirling around enough to make me put up both of my hoods. I’m a two-hoods kind of guy on a blustery day, that’s for sure. Didn’t seem to be too many people around, even close to matchday. Didn’t see a single Hartlepool fan, although I reasoned there would be some, even if I could probably count them on one hand.

The smallest away support that I ever saw before I started my challenge this season was actually at a top flight game. Must have been around 1994 or 1995, and Sheffield Wednesday were hosting Wimbledon. I went to the game with my Owls supporting Uncle and my schoolfriend Andrew. On the journey there, Andrew threw up all over the velour seating in the rear of my Uncle’s Saab 900, then when we got to Sheffield city centre a water main had burst and several streets were flooded. Eventually in the ground at the Kop End of Hillsborough, I spent a few minutes counting the Wimbledon fans in the Leppings Lane end. Thirty six in total. That’s not even a busload…

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The Football Neutral: Match Fourteen – Stevenage vs Stourbridge

December 10, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / Leave a comment

…Stourbridge occupied the South Stand directly opposite. It was reported after the game that they’d taken nearly 900 fans with them to the game, even better when you consider that their average home attendance is less than half that. They were incredibly loud and, it has to be said, pretty funny throughout the game.

As we kicked off, I could get a look at Stourbridge. Now I knew that they were the lowest ranked club left in the FA Cup, but seeing them gave you a true impression of this. Of course, no squad names or numbers. But then you looked at their club sponsor and realised that they’re actually officially backed by a dental surgery. One defender didn’t even have a sponsor on his shirt at all. I’m presuming this is because they ran out of kit and iron-on logos, rather than a Papiss Cisse-like aversion to the ethics of the sponsor in question.

Stourbridge started strongest. And I mean REALLY strong. They played without fear and with the rocket up the arse that the FA Cup provides a smaller team. They worked their socks off, chasing down everything and being first to every loose ball. Up front Luke Benbow impressed, quick and powerful and with an eye for goal. Veteran Stevenage keeper Chris Day had to be at his best to keep the non-league side at bay, and the Stourbridge fans grew louder with every chance.

The Stevenage fans were pretty quiet, but I’m not going to criticise here. I’ve been to watch Leicester play much smaller sides in the cup and it is difficult to generate an atmosphere when winning is expected. You get the feeling that Broadhall Way could be a much more lively venue if a bigger team was in town and driving the fans on to back their side; As it was, the Stourbridge fans supplied all the atmosphere – although at one point they were singing the Yaya / Kolo Toure song that I saw the Connah’s Quay fans singing a few weeks back. Look, it’s funny but it’s not THAT funny….

Enjoy this little edited highlight? Then please download the full match report along with 25 others and tons of other stuff for just £2 as part of my season review ebook on Kindle. You’d really be helping me continue this project! Ta!

The Football Neutral: Match Thirteen – Leyton Orient vs Sheffield United

December 1, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / 9 Comments

…Then came time for the football. Quick tube journey and a bit of a walk and I was bearing down on Brisbane Road with enough time to spare to actually have a wander around the ground. What was odd was the tube journey in; even for my trip to Dagenham and Redbridge the tube was busy with fans on the way in. For this match, 40 minutes before kickoff… nobody. The odd early Christmas shopper, but no fans of either team. Was most bizarre.

Walking down the main street from the station towards the ground, fans of both sides mingled perfectly, the police keeping a watchful eye but with smiles drawn rather than batons. It all felt really pleasant, and the pavements were packed with fans hurrying through the chill air to get the stadium and grab a bovril. This wonderful atmosphere was shattered briefly by cries of “BBC” from a cab carrying five youths from Sheffield. BBC, in case you were wondering, stands for “Blades Business Crew”, the firm of United hooligans. Rest assured, your license fee does not fund them and pay for their Stone Island and Aquascutum.

Thing is, I doubt that these chaps had anything to do with said collective. Why, do you ask? Let me list my reasons.

(Before I do, may I say that I know a few, shall we say, “naughty” chaps who may have misbehaved at football matches in the past. I definitely don’t condone what they’ve done, but I know enough about this subject to pass the comment below)

1: These lads were honestly, 16 or 17. Whilst they may have said they were in a taxi to the ground to make out they were flash, it’s infinitely more likely that they were in the cab because one of their mums gave them the money so they wouldn’t have to take the dangerous old tube.

2: If you’re a member of a group of genuine football hooligans, do you think shouting out the name of said group from the window of a taxi that is stuck in traffic, in front of the police, alerting them to your presence, is the brightest thing to do?

3: When the taxi went past and they shouted out said phrase, two very hard looking thirtysomething lads next to me looked at each other and, in broad Yorkshire accents, said “stupid fooking kids, making us look like twats.” I suspect these two gentlemen may have been real members of the BBC. They were not happy at all.

Instead of the fear that I think these kids thought their shouting would instil in the Orient fans, they drew laughter from fans of both sides, and a roll of the eyes from a policeman who radioed for his colleagues further down the road to “have a chat” with these boys, delivered with a tired sigh….

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The Football Neutral: Match Twelve – Luton Town vs Welling United

November 26, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / 4 Comments

…Luton Town should not, under any circumstances, be as far down the football pyramid as they currently find themselves. It must be a good ten years or so since I last visited Kenilworth Road, and I reckon it’s one of my most visited stadiums – albeit always from the away end before.

In fact the list goes Filbert Street, The King Power Stadium (those two are quite obvious), Selhurst Park (thanks to them hosting two teams during my most keen fandom in the mid to late nineties), Hillsborough and Kenilworth Road. It’s great having such a terrible OCD problem when it comes to counting and making lists.

Of course, the reason that I’ve visited Luton so often is thanks to a large amount of second tier games between Luton and Leicester in my teens, plus a cup game here and there. It used to be a decent hunting ground for us, although I don’t ever recall attending a game there that wasn’t accompanied by at the very least a steady drizzle, and at the very most a torrential downpour. There seems to be a greyness that envelopes the entire town the second that I set foot within its borders. Bolton is exactly the same, for reasons I cannot fathom.

Making my mind up where to visit this week came quite late on, a consequence of having my original weekend of gigs cancelled due to a club closure. My excellent agent Sally managed to find me work in Newbury on the Friday night and Harlow on the Saturday, so I reasoned that I had a choice between Watford or Luton. I chose the latter for the following reasons:

1: Watford were playing Bolton. I know I can watch the same away team more than once, but in the space of a few weeks it seems a bit too much.

2: Vicarage Road is a few quid more expensive for a ticket, and as I won’t take free tickets on principle this hobby of mine isn’t cheap.

3: The Hornets used karma to beat my side in the playoffs last season. I’m not blaming them for that; if you remember the second leg of the Championship playoff semi final you’ll recall Leicester’s mercurial Gallic genius Anthony Knockaert diving in the area to win an injury time penalty, which he then missed… and they went straight up the other end and scored. Cheats never prosper (if wearing our shirt, anyway) and justice was, rightly and sadly, done.

4: I quite fancied seeing if Kenilworth Road was as run down, old and strange as it used to be. I used to love going there, in a weird way. I remember using the loo in the away end and being able to see straight into the back yard of a house that backed onto the stadium….

This is just a little bit of the full report, which you can download as part of an ebook for less than £2. Includes this match and 25 others, is over 300 pages long and I promise is a decent read! Click here to get it. Ta!

The Football Neutral: Match Eleven – Notts County vs Wolverhampton Wanderers

November 17, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / 5 Comments

…It’s a pleasant walk from the city centre to Meadow Lane, through some pretty streets, along the river and past a Hooters. I went in there with a mate once who made me swear that I’d never tell his wife that we were there. For some reason people think it’s a strip club, rather than a sub-par version of TGI Fridays. Presumably there’s one in Nottingham to capitalise on the stag party scene, with men flocking from far afield to realise the oft-spoken fact of there being 8 times more women than men in the city is actually an urban myth.

On my walk I bumped into two fans. They were clad in black and white, scarves proudly on display and talking excitedly about the game. Except they weren’t speaking English, but Italian. We all know the association between Juventus and Notts County from eons ago, but I was genuinely surprised to see two Juve fans attending the game. I tried to chat with them about it but neither spoke any English and my Italian stretches as far as telling a policeman than a child has stolen my wallet (the only phrase I can remember that I uttered during a trip to Naples). Was a shame, but we shook hands and bonded briefly over football.

Media man Jamie had retweeted something I’d written about attending the game, so I had a few tweets from County fans to read through. Most suggested that the real comedy was on the pitch at the moment, and one suggested that I bring a noose to the game. Could it really be that bad? I was at least going to the first home game of a new era of management at the club, with Shaun Derry installed as the gaffer. I’ve always liked him, mainly because he’s spent the last few years patrolling midfields with the swagger and hair of Paul Weller….

This is just a tiny excerpt from the full report which you can get (along with 25 more and loads of other stuff) by downloading my ebook for less than £2. You’d really be helping me out by buying it. Ta!

Jim Smallman – The Football Neutral

Comedian watches football, writes about it.

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