The Football Neutral: Match Thirteen – Leyton Orient vs Sheffield United

December 1, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / 9 Comments

This is now an edited version of the original blog… you can read the full one by downloading my Football Neutral 2013/14 season review on Kindle. Well over 300 pages of daftness. Less than £2! Thanks!

…Then came time for the football. Quick tube journey and a bit of a walk and I was bearing down on Brisbane Road with enough time to spare to actually have a wander around the ground. What was odd was the tube journey in; even for my trip to Dagenham and Redbridge the tube was busy with fans on the way in. For this match, 40 minutes before kickoff… nobody. The odd early Christmas shopper, but no fans of either team. Was most bizarre.

Walking down the main street from the station towards the ground, fans of both sides mingled perfectly, the police keeping a watchful eye but with smiles drawn rather than batons. It all felt really pleasant, and the pavements were packed with fans hurrying through the chill air to get the stadium and grab a bovril. This wonderful atmosphere was shattered briefly by cries of “BBC” from a cab carrying five youths from Sheffield. BBC, in case you were wondering, stands for “Blades Business Crew”, the firm of United hooligans. Rest assured, your license fee does not fund them and pay for their Stone Island and Aquascutum.

Thing is, I doubt that these chaps had anything to do with said collective. Why, do you ask? Let me list my reasons.

(Before I do, may I say that I know a few, shall we say, “naughty” chaps who may have misbehaved at football matches in the past. I definitely don’t condone what they’ve done, but I know enough about this subject to pass the comment below)

1: These lads were honestly, 16 or 17. Whilst they may have said they were in a taxi to the ground to make out they were flash, it’s infinitely more likely that they were in the cab because one of their mums gave them the money so they wouldn’t have to take the dangerous old tube.

2: If you’re a member of a group of genuine football hooligans, do you think shouting out the name of said group from the window of a taxi that is stuck in traffic, in front of the police, alerting them to your presence, is the brightest thing to do?

3: When the taxi went past and they shouted out said phrase, two very hard looking thirtysomething lads next to me looked at each other and, in broad Yorkshire accents, said “stupid fooking kids, making us look like twats.” I suspect these two gentlemen may have been real members of the BBC. They were not happy at all.

Instead of the fear that I think these kids thought their shouting would instil in the Orient fans, they drew laughter from fans of both sides, and a roll of the eyes from a policeman who radioed for his colleagues further down the road to “have a chat” with these boys, delivered with a tired sigh….

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The Football Neutral: Match Twelve – Luton Town vs Welling United

November 26, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / 4 Comments

…Luton Town should not, under any circumstances, be as far down the football pyramid as they currently find themselves. It must be a good ten years or so since I last visited Kenilworth Road, and I reckon it’s one of my most visited stadiums – albeit always from the away end before.

In fact the list goes Filbert Street, The King Power Stadium (those two are quite obvious), Selhurst Park (thanks to them hosting two teams during my most keen fandom in the mid to late nineties), Hillsborough and Kenilworth Road. It’s great having such a terrible OCD problem when it comes to counting and making lists.

Of course, the reason that I’ve visited Luton so often is thanks to a large amount of second tier games between Luton and Leicester in my teens, plus a cup game here and there. It used to be a decent hunting ground for us, although I don’t ever recall attending a game there that wasn’t accompanied by at the very least a steady drizzle, and at the very most a torrential downpour. There seems to be a greyness that envelopes the entire town the second that I set foot within its borders. Bolton is exactly the same, for reasons I cannot fathom.

Making my mind up where to visit this week came quite late on, a consequence of having my original weekend of gigs cancelled due to a club closure. My excellent agent Sally managed to find me work in Newbury on the Friday night and Harlow on the Saturday, so I reasoned that I had a choice between Watford or Luton. I chose the latter for the following reasons:

1: Watford were playing Bolton. I know I can watch the same away team more than once, but in the space of a few weeks it seems a bit too much.

2: Vicarage Road is a few quid more expensive for a ticket, and as I won’t take free tickets on principle this hobby of mine isn’t cheap.

3: The Hornets used karma to beat my side in the playoffs last season. I’m not blaming them for that; if you remember the second leg of the Championship playoff semi final you’ll recall Leicester’s mercurial Gallic genius Anthony Knockaert diving in the area to win an injury time penalty, which he then missed… and they went straight up the other end and scored. Cheats never prosper (if wearing our shirt, anyway) and justice was, rightly and sadly, done.

4: I quite fancied seeing if Kenilworth Road was as run down, old and strange as it used to be. I used to love going there, in a weird way. I remember using the loo in the away end and being able to see straight into the back yard of a house that backed onto the stadium….

This is just a little bit of the full report, which you can download as part of an ebook for less than £2. Includes this match and 25 others, is over 300 pages long and I promise is a decent read! Click here to get it. Ta!

The Football Neutral: Match Eleven – Notts County vs Wolverhampton Wanderers

November 17, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / 5 Comments

…It’s a pleasant walk from the city centre to Meadow Lane, through some pretty streets, along the river and past a Hooters. I went in there with a mate once who made me swear that I’d never tell his wife that we were there. For some reason people think it’s a strip club, rather than a sub-par version of TGI Fridays. Presumably there’s one in Nottingham to capitalise on the stag party scene, with men flocking from far afield to realise the oft-spoken fact of there being 8 times more women than men in the city is actually an urban myth.

On my walk I bumped into two fans. They were clad in black and white, scarves proudly on display and talking excitedly about the game. Except they weren’t speaking English, but Italian. We all know the association between Juventus and Notts County from eons ago, but I was genuinely surprised to see two Juve fans attending the game. I tried to chat with them about it but neither spoke any English and my Italian stretches as far as telling a policeman than a child has stolen my wallet (the only phrase I can remember that I uttered during a trip to Naples). Was a shame, but we shook hands and bonded briefly over football.

Media man Jamie had retweeted something I’d written about attending the game, so I had a few tweets from County fans to read through. Most suggested that the real comedy was on the pitch at the moment, and one suggested that I bring a noose to the game. Could it really be that bad? I was at least going to the first home game of a new era of management at the club, with Shaun Derry installed as the gaffer. I’ve always liked him, mainly because he’s spent the last few years patrolling midfields with the swagger and hair of Paul Weller….

This is just a tiny excerpt from the full report which you can get (along with 25 more and loads of other stuff) by downloading my ebook for less than £2. You’d really be helping me out by buying it. Ta!

The Football Neutral: Match Ten – gap Connah’s Quay Nomads vs Newtown AFC

November 9, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / 2 Comments

…Everyone queuing in front and behind me was younger than me, wearing a Nomads shirt and seriously enthusiastic. I felt rather excited at this point, knowing that a club with an attendance record of just 688 can attract such fanatical fans, especially those with their whole football watching lives ahead of them. Even better, the concession price of just £3 will encourage the under 16s to come along for as long as they can.

Into the ground and seeking out food, instead of a heavily sponsored concession stand there was a window. Inside the window was a nice lady in her forties. She dispensed hot dogs and tea from various metal containers, with a smile on her face and whilst having to deal with the clumsiest flirting I’ve ever seen from the two middle aged chaps in front of me. See this example:

HER: Here you go lads, two hot dogs.

MAN: That’s what she said!

OTHER MAN: (winks)

WHAT?

I liked that the club shop is a table, staffed by a youth. Must do a decent amount of business though, as most people were wearing a club shirt or hat. Some had scarves which were black and white, confusing me for a long time until it was explained to me that the club changed their official colours this season. The rise of Macron as a shirt maker continues to grow, and the Nomad’s kit is pretty nice as far as I’m concerned. To be fair, as is Newtown’s away shirt (it may be one of my favourites I’ve seen in ages) – when both teams took to the field it looked like an Italian lower league game.

I sat in the stand (there’s only the one) and after realising you can’t see half the pitch if you sit on the front row and moving back to the second, the teams came out and the noise began. The gaggle of youths behind me had a couple of drums and banged them enthusiastically whilst about twenty or so kids sang along. I don’t know how it compares to other Welsh league teams, but with an attendance of only 176 the percentage of singers was pretty high. Even better that none of the songs contained swearing, especially after my c-word based annoyance in Bournemouth last week. Well done you kids….

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The Football Neutral: Match Nine – AFC Bournemouth vs Bolton Wanderers

November 3, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / Leave a comment

(Note – I for some reason didn’t take any pictures during the game, so above is a stock photo of Dean Court)

…A two hour journey took three. As I got closer to Bournemouth my car’s diesel tank decided to all of a sudden stop being economical (possibly aided by my less than legal speeds) and I had to stop to refuel as the clock ticked away. I sense I may have irritated the guy in the petrol station somewhere in the depths of the New Forest as I rudely interrupted his conversation with his mate about rabbits. Am I the only person who ever needs to get somewhere?

My sat nav then took me to a street that clearly did not contain Dean Court. It contained brand new houses. Then putting in the EXACT SAME destination actually took me to the right place. I had been warned that it may be slightly tricky to park at the ground. These people certainly did not lie. Two car parks were full as 3pm ticked around. Every available spot of grass was full up. Every single yard of double yellow line had a car on it. This was quite maddening. Which is a massive understatement, bearing in mind how much swearing was going on within the car at the time.

I found a space on a backstreet somewhere and ran. I have not run as fast in a long time, and as I got around half a mile away from my car I realised that I had forgotten to note down exactly where I’d parked. And when I say “parked”, I mean “dumped my Ford Fiesta somewhere next to a kerb and probably didn’t lock it”.

I had to run across a park on my way to the ground, sprinting past a man in a suit doing the same. He was wearing shoes and slipped on the wet grass. He didn’t go down, but it did make me amend my stride. Couldn’t exactly turn up for my gig that night covered in mud.

I had to pick up my ticket from the office, and was relieved to see that I wasn’t the only person to be so late for the game. As discussed at length previously, I hate being late for anything, and I was busy checking the score as I waited in line.

Was then a quick walk to the turnstiles past the club shop. I’ll say this: Bournemouth have some seriously attractive looking merchandise. I had read that they play in black and red stripes to echo AC Milan, but everyone I saw who was wearing official club gear looked really well turned out. Plus it was seriously cold (despite my run) so I was almost tempted to buy myself a coat.

The turnstiles were closed. Sensing another Guiseley experience of having to seek out someone to let me in, I bumped into one of the nicest stewards I’d ever met, a man mountain who looked like the double of Hightower from the Police Academy movies. He checked my ticket, let me in a side door and before I knew it I was in my seat….

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The Football Neutral: Match Eight – Bristol Rovers vs Chesterfield

October 27, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / Leave a comment

It seemed seriously busy around the Memorial Stadium, and whilst I’ve enjoyed my recent excursions to smaller stadiums I realised this would be the biggest crowd that I’ve been a part of for a while. Parking was oddly easy, a couple of hundred meters away. I walked down to the ticket office and bought one for the Blackthorn End, which I’d been reliably informed was where the best atmosphere is to be found (thanks Twitter).

There must be something about the air in Bristol that strips the years away from my tired face, as just like my trip to Ashton Gate I was asked if I was over 21 when buying my ticket. You have no idea what kind of spring that puts in my step, nice lady in the ticket office.

Most of the fans seemed to be crammed into a bar behind the Blackthorn End, watching Palace vs Arsenal on the TV. The windows were steamed up from the sheer humanity pressed up into every spare corner, and drinkers spilled outside, their pints getting gradually diluted by the steady drizzle.

Once inside the stadium, as always I sought out sustenance. I found a concession stand that had no queue because they’d run out of hot water and everyone seemingly wanted Bovril. I’ve never ever met anyone who enjoys Bovril. Do people only drink it at the football in social situations? I bet nobody ever drinks it at home when they’re just sat on the sofa watching the telly. They’re the hot beverage equivalent of a Mojito.

You can’t buy burgers or hot dogs at the Memorial Stadium. You can only buy pastry, ideally in the pasty format. I feel that I was being judged by the guy that served me for choosing a steak and kidney pie. Even better, for a mere £5 I got said pie, a bottle of water (emptied into a cup, grrr), a massive bag of crisps and a huge twix. Everything had started rather well.

The terrace seemed empty until about two minutes before kickoff, then the steamy bar emptied and all of a sudden we were all very snug. A cacophony of noise accompanied both teams arrival, and it enabled me to see where the Chesterfield fans were – sat up the other end, to the side of the pitch without any cover. The stand behind the other goal seemed to be topped off with the remnants of a marquee, but the rest of the ground seemed busy and certainly decent enough to host football….

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The Football Neutral: Match Seven – Guiseley vs Histon

October 20, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / 5 Comments

I eventually arrived in Guiseley 10 minutes after kickoff. Parking was easy, all of twenty meters from the stadium. I casually wandered up to the turnstile.

It was closed.

I panicked. The feeling of embarrassment of getting to a game and then somehow missing it was replaced by genuine anger at the turnstiles being closed so bloody early. I knocked. Nobody answered. I presumed that was that, so went for a walk. As luck would have it I passed another turnstile (marked “away turnstile for segregated fixtures”) that was still open. I walked in and disturbed the nice chap who was watching the door. He was engrossed in the game. He let me in, took my money and gave me some sweets.

He noticed my accent, and we got chatting. Initially he thought I was a Histon fan (seriously, without looking on a map or Wikipedia, YOU have a go at a Histon accent. No clue) but I told him about my project and he was an utter joy to chat to for a few minutes. He explained to me that I’d visited at a tough time for the club, only one win all season and six defeats in a row. As he said that, Guiseley nearly scored with a cheeky long range effort that bounced in front of the Histon keeper and nearly foxed him. As we chatted, Guiseley certainly didn’t seem like the sort of club that were struggling – no long ball, lots of decent passing and attacking intention.

My new mate told me of the best player he’d ever seen play for the club: Frank Worthington. I explained that I’m a Leicester supporter and he’s also the best player my Dad ever saw play for us (beating Muzzy Izzett into close second place). Apparently Wortho was well into his forties when he rocked up at Guiseley and was still an inspiration. Would have loved to have seen him play at that level, socks rolled down and a rakish mustache accompanying his mullet….

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The Football Neutral: Match Six – Hereford United vs Dartford

October 13, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / 2 Comments

…Having checked the fixtures on Friday it became clear that I had to travel a long way to watch a game on the Saturday. With those bloody annoying women in my head as I returned to my hotel, it seemed that Hereford was the best bet for a game. I’d been there before, watching Leicester draw 0-0 in the FA Cup 3rd Round with them years back, a game that I remember fondly for two reasons.

Firstly, upon arriving we parked in the official car park. It was a cold and frosty day (when has 3rd round day ever been anything else?) and we spotted the one and only John Motson clambering onto a precarious TV gantry wearing his trusty sheepskin. We shouted at him, and as he turned to wave at us he slipped and nearly fell 30 feet to the floor. Me and two mates nearly killed one of the greatest commentators the game has ever known.

The second moment was only seen by me, and I am still protesting years on that this actually happened. The away end was next to some traffic lights that we could see from the height of the terracing. At some point during the first half, a cattle truck pulled up at the lights. Whilst everyone else was distracted by the game, I found myself drawn to the truck and like magic, one sole cow pulled itself up at the head of the truck, looked at me, and then lowered itself down again. I nudged my friends to see if they’d seen it and they haven’t believed me since.

I expected to attend Hereford vs Dartford with Nathan, but his chicken binge the previous night had left him feeling quite unwell. As I set off – on a dreary day, missing home and my fiancee terribly – I realised that Hereford was halfway home and the temptation to skip the game and my gig that night was quite high.

I also cursed the League of Wales for not having enough teams in South Wales, although I can kind of understand it with the dominance of Cardiff, Swansea and now Newport. I really wanted to watch Merthyr Town play, but their game was scheduled for Sunday. So with no choice, a 120 mile round trip it was.

I parked in the same car park where I nearly killed John Motson years before, a car park that on this day was more full of shoppers than football fans. Crucially, nobody apart from me seemed interested in paying for their parking or sticking to the assigned bays.

The matchday experience started well, as I had the best burger I’ve had in a long time at a game. Thinking about it, this should be expected, with my pre-match treat no doubt made of a descendent of the cow that winked at me a decade ago. It did, shut up…

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The Football Neutral: Match Five – Hastings United vs Brentwood Town

October 6, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / 3 Comments

…fun to see at halftime were the noisy Hastings supporters who had take up residence behind the goal they were attacking in the first half… move to the other end for the second half. And what excellent fans – clearly love their club, singing songs and getting into the game despite the lowly level and the small crowd.

It was interesting to see how many kids were at the game too, often with Grandparents. From what I saw Hastings is an excellent place to take along a family, although you’ll have to explain the swearing to the little ones. Not from the crowd, but from the players if the Brentwood lads are any kind of example.

The poor, frightened referee could barely settle in to the second half when he was forced to send off the Hastings number 6 for a two footed challenge. It seemed feisty but not exactly evil, but the Brentwood players surround him screaming “fucking do something!” and “what the fucking hell was that” seemed to make the poor lad reluctantly pull out the red card to the chagrin of the home crowd. Credit to the lad sent off though, he didn’t whine and merely trudged away.

The worst offender amongst the Brentwood lot for swearing was their manager, bearing in mind I could hear him and I was at least 50 yards away. No wonder his team play a certain way if he’s their example.

Hasting sacrificed the tricky yet tubby (honestly, I’m thinner than him and haven’t played football for 10 years) Jordan Woodley for another centre back and Brentwood tried to push on. Rolls and Love picked up bookings (the latter was wonderful, he seemed almost in tears as he exploded with rage, got booked, then carried on whining).

Hastings’ Pogue had worked hard and was brought off – to be replaced by the exciting young Brazilian. First impression of Rodrigo Branco was that he needs to eat. A lot. Maybe take some off the plate of his fitness coach and Jordan Woodley. There was a buzz around the ground, anticipation of the samba football that young Rodrigo would provide.

He received the ball for his first touch and he was all of a sudden clean through… he went to round the keeper and…

… fell over.

Everybody laughed. Including Rodrigo, to be fair. And we all thought that’s it, he’s obviously not very good. Brentwood went up the other end and Steven Carvell pulled one back after a shot cannoned off the bar. The man next to me nudged me and said “It’s like Guernsey all over again” which I presume he means a recent game, not some kind of bank heist he was involved in…

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The Football Neutral: Match Four – Aldershot Town vs Wrexham

September 23, 2013June 17, 2014 / megagoalz / Leave a comment

…I’ve noticed when choosing games so far this season that it always just geographical proximity to my weekend’s worth of work that has me gravitate towards one team in particular. Whilst much of this week’s choice was based around having to do a kids gig that finished at 2pm in Windsor (more on that in a bit), once I started looking at the fixtures it was easy to make a decision.

That said, picking Aldershot Town as my team of the day is fraught with issues. Firstly, one of my best friends (and business partner) Jon is a Woking supporter. He hates Aldershot with a burning passion, or as much of an incandescent rage that a polite man from Surrey can muster. Secondly, they were up against Wrexham who happen to now be my geographically local club.

OK, they’re not the closest club to my house in North Wales (that would be Airbus UK Broughton FC from the League of Wales) but I drive past their ground every time I have to head south and that makes them feel closer. Plus I’m of Welsh heritage, so living there means I should probably take at least a passing interest in my nearest club and I remember them knocking Arsenal out of the cup years ago when I had a paper round, the Sunday People on that cold January morning resplendent with a picture of Mickey Thomas’ toothy grin.

So why did I pick Aldershot Town? First off, it’s easy to want to go and support a club for the day that has risen from the ashes after financial disaster. Secondly, when I was 13 years old and really getting into football, my PE teacher (Mr Hayes) was a former Aldershot player and staunch supporter, and on the day they went bust he told a load of us about it and genuinely had a tear in his eye. At that stage in my life I had decided to support Leicester City, but still wasn’t at the point where I was that emotionally attached to my own club. I remembered that years later when I cried my eyes out as they turned off the floodlights at Filbert Street following our final game there, a friendly against Celtic.

As an aside, it is not acceptable to cry on the last day of the season when your team is relegated. Why? Because you’ve been awful all season, that’s why you’re in trouble. How is it a surprise? The only time it is acceptable is if you think you’re safe and then have the rug pulled from under you like those Sheffield United fans at Stamford Bridge years back. The rest of the time it’s just showing off for the cameras or being unnecessarily soft…

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Jim Smallman – The Football Neutral

Comedian watches football, writes about it.

Author: megagoalz