The Football Neutral: Match Thirty Two – Middlesbrough vs Brentford

September 23, 2014June 9, 2015 / megagoalz / 2 Comments

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…My main footballing memory of Middlesbrough FC harks back to the late 1990s and their fine side that Leicester somehow beat over a replay in the 1997 League Cup final. That team had two of the best players I’ve ever seen play in their starting eleven: The diminutive genius that was Juninho (who still looks like a twelve year old) and the “White Feather” himself, Italian striker and Just For Men refuser Fabrizio Ravanelli. They were terrifying to see in full flight, and the rest of the side wasn’t too bad either, with current Leicester boss Nigel Pearson in their back four.

I went to both of those final games. We massively got out of jail in the first game thanks to Emile Heskey (I won’t hear a bad word about that lad. Scored loads for us, made us a load of money and then when we went bust helped out. He’s a proper legend. And the same school year as me, so had him destroy me at Sunday League football as a kid), and then in the replay I popped to the loo and heard a massive cheer as Ravanelli had a goal disallowed. My shoes were splashed.

I’d not been to the Riverside since that era though, sat high up in the away end on a very cold winters day. Now was my time to return, with a gig in Scarborough on the Saturday night I had an excuse to go along. Also, with Brentford as the opponents it would be nice to check out a game with two sides playing good passing football in the Championship.

That’s not my sole reason for going to the Riverside though. As a former BBC employee I know when you’re meant to declare a personal interest in a story, so here is mine: Middlesbrough are owned by Steve Gibson, a man that most football fans look at and think “I wouldn’t mind him owning my club”. And for good reason: He’s been super generous as a chairman, helping Middlesbrough to great heights during his tenure. He’s a local lad, owning the club he loves rather than choosing one to turn a profit. And best of all, he once wrote to a chap who applied for the vacant manager’s job with his Football Manager CV by politely turning him down because his record said he was over-qualified. Brilliant…

The only way to read this post from last season in full (along with 23 others and a load of extra stuff) is to get my eBook for less than £3. Click here to get it. I’d be really grateful!

The Football Neutral: Match Thirty One – AFC Telford United vs Dover Athletic

September 9, 2014June 9, 2015 / megagoalz / Leave a comment

…Upon arriving in Telford I paid to park at a nearby college (£3) and then walked the short distance to the New Buck’s Head Stadium. It’s not, incidentally, in Telford – instead it’s in nearby Wellington. As I queued to stand on the David Hutchinson Stand I was behind two guys in their late forties. One turned to the other and said “eeh, is that a new top?”. I don’t think any of my mates have ever noticed what I’m wearing, unless it was to tell me that I looked like a prick.

The concourse area is adorned with excellent graffiti on most of the walls, presumably commissioned by the club themselves. With the stadium being fairly new (opened in 2003), it adds a bit of character to the place. In general, it’s a decent little ground that doesn’t feel like a new build arena like so many places do. The slightly curved stand roofs and the three sides of terracing make it feel a little bit different. I would certainly have liked to have seen the old place as well though, I’m a sucker for an old stadium. So few of them are left now.

I bought myself a burger, forgoing the chips that everyone else seemed to be eating based on my long standing theory that chips from within football stadiums are never very nice. They were certainly getting through them, as I queued I watched a girl behind the counter empty two bags of frozen chips into the deep fat fryer that we could all see (and hear) bubbling away. I should have bought the chips. I should have realised that gravy OR curry sauce were FREE. But no, I got a burger. I think I did, anyway.

Imagine a standard sized floury bun. That isn’t the issue. Then imagine the smallest burger that you can put in there, like someone has flattened a meatball with a spoon and cooked it. That’s what I got. The bread to meat ratio should be 50:50. This was 90:10. I have never eaten such a tiny burger. And all the time whilst I’m trying to enjoy it, people are walking past me with massive portions of chips covered in gravy. Next time I buy food in a stadium I am going to watch what everyone else buys first, that’s for sure….

The only way to read this post from last season in full (along with 23 others and a load of extra stuff) is to get my eBook for less than £3. Click here to get it. I’d be really grateful!

The Football Neutral: Match Thirty – Mansfield Town vs Burton Albion

September 1, 2014June 9, 2015 / megagoalz / 1 Comment

…When you’re used to travelling to games on your own, it’s really enjoyable to head off to a match with a couple of mates. Our journey from Nottingham to Mansfield didn’t take too long as it’s just a few miles north. The car was filled with talk of comedy – The Noise Next Door had a great Edinburgh and are on tour soon – and at one point we spotted a tent at the side of the road, pitched as if someone is living in it on a permanent basis. I was very tempted to stop and have a look, but what do you say if someone is actually in there? It’s a weird way to start a conversation.

Once in Mansfield we parked up and walked along to Field Mill (now renamed as the One Call Stadium) and had a little wander around the outside. As we walked down the street that we’d parked on, Tom managed to find a discarded blade of some sort on the floor and we speculated how it got there – obviously the answer won’t be as fantastical as the suggestions that we came up with. The away end at Field Mill sticks out into a retail park that has my ideal day out with my daughter summed up in two shops: Maplins for me (I like looking at electronics and making plans for projects that I will never construct) with Pets at Home next door (so my daughter can go and look at fish and hamsters). Underneath the far side of that end was a mattress, suggesting that someone lives there on a semi-permanent basis. If we’d have known, we could have stole him a tent. Whoever it belonged to had popped out for the day, a good idea as the Burton fans (who were superb throughout) would have kept him awake with their noise if he fancied a nap.

If you’re a comedian, you pride yourself on knowing every single comedy club in the country. Well at Mansfield, the three of us discovered a new one: The excellently named “Hoofers” that has nights within Field Mill. However, they are paying the Peter Kay IMPERSONATOR (yes, that’s right: A man who DOES ANOTHER MAN’S ACT) Lee Lard to perform there this festive season.

At least you get cheesecake, I suppose. But he’s more expensive than a Michael Buble tribute with a three course dinner! And it’s not like you won’t know all of his jokes! Madness…

The only way to read this post from last season in full (along with 23 others and a load of extra stuff) is to get my eBook for less than £3. Click here to get it. I’d be really grateful!

The Football Neutral: Match Twenty Nine – Bury vs Plymouth Argyle

August 24, 2014June 9, 2015 / megagoalz / 5 Comments

…I also remember Bury were sponsored once by Birthdays, the card shop that I believe was once owned by Bryan Robson. The pastel logo on the front of the shirt didn’t exactly fit in with their rugged northern image, and yet I’d kill for one of those shirts now. I do love a strange sponsor on a shirt. Takes me back to my days reading 90 Minutes every week. Here are some of my favourites:

CLYDEBANK – Sponsored by Wet Wet Wet – Being sponsored by a band is pretty cool (Newport County were briefly sponsored by Goldie Looking Chain, I’m sure) but when it’s one of the most insipid bands to ever darken the charts then it’s really not very rock and roll. My childhood felt haunted by Love Is All Around, and even being addicted to heroin couldn’t make Marti Pellow become a badass frontman.

CLUB MEXICO – Sponsored by Bimbo – Apparently a bakery, Bimbo sponsor a lot of Latin American teams. I cannot see it without giggling.

FC NURNBURG – Sponsored by Mister Lady – I own this shirt! A local clothing company, it doesn’t stop it being hilarious in the extreme. I like to think they had a radio advert with the jingle set to Jimi Hendrix’s “Foxy Lady”.

BRIGHTON – Sponsored by Nobo – Ha! Their shirt said nob! …

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The Football Neutral: Match Twenty Eight – Chesterfield vs Rochdale

August 19, 2014June 9, 2015 / megagoalz / 2 Comments

….I’ve been to Chesterfield to watch football before, a League Cup game at their old home Saltergate. I think Leicester won 2-0. All I remember is one really mouthy Spireite repeatedly walking over to the fence separating the fans and making a cut throat gesture whilst fans of both sides laughed at him (especially the Chesterfield fans who wore looks of “we have to put up with this prick all the time”). At the end of the game he did it one final time, before running off and falling down some stairs. When we were let off of our terrace we had to walk past him being loaded into an ambulance, where he was slightly less mouthy.

I remember Saltergate being a fun ground, if a bit run down even then. The Proact Stadium opened in 2010 and is a tad bigger. It certainly feels like a new stadium (as they always seem to), but the fans inside it try to make it a decent place to watch football. It seems very breezy as well, with the open corners and the peak district not a million miles away. It’s not as windswept as Barnsley used to be back in the day, but you can tell that you’re in Derbyshire if you were dropped there unknowing.

Like all new stadiums, you can’t just buy your ticket at the turnstile. You have to go to the ticket office, get it, and then scan it through a barcode reader at the turnstile (yes, those AGAIN). I queued up to get mine as a Norwegian man was getting his and asking about the best place to sit on his first visit to the ground. Maybe he was the Scandinavian version of me, I didn’t ask. He could well have been on stage in Oslo the night before and then driven over. He still would have spent less time in his car on the Friday than I did….

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The Football Neutral: Match Twenty Seven – Fleetwood Town vs Crewe Alexandra

August 11, 2014June 9, 2015 / megagoalz / 2 Comments

….So then, it seems that I’ll be watching football in different places every weekend again this season. But why, may you ask? Because last season was both tremendous fun (trips to watch Guiseley, Ebbsfleet, Wigan, Portsmouth, Ajax and more) AND it seemed that me staying away from my own club (asides from a couple of times at the end of the season) made us be rather brilliant and get promoted to the Premier League. More than one Leicester supporter has made me promise to continue watching other clubs this year – and every year – if it means we become the world-beaters that our owners want us to be. I will not argue with that at all (plus the people who asked me to do it are bigger than me).

Obviously I’ll once again have to try and stick to my own rules – which you can read here – and I’m throwing myself the additional curveball of trying to not go back to any stadia that I visited last season (even though my own rules just state within one season). I figure that there are enough grounds for me to go to. Saturday was a case in point; with me working in the North West (Preston Frog and Bucket, where I did jokes about Blackpool’s lack of players. They’re a football savvy crowd – I once did ten minutes on Nuno Gomes inexplicably ending up playing for Blackburn Rovers) I had tons of games to choose from. Accrington was quite tempting, having never been there before and being a child of the eighties. You know what I mean. Read the following two words:

Accrington Stanley.

If you either read them in a Scouse accent OR followed the words with “exactly” then you’re around the same age as me. Although that is a more long-winded and niche age test than me just reading out your birth certificate.

In the end I decided to go to Highbury. No, not that Highbury. That one has long since been knocked down and had overpriced flats built in its place. I mean the home of Fleetwood Town, and this season it is a stadium that is hosting League One level football for the very first time. You might be reading this now thinking “that’s not a big deal, it’s only League One”. If that is the case, allow me to slap you around the gills with an amazing statistic: Just ten seasons ago, Fleetwood were playing in the North West Counties Football League Premier Division. I’m a nerd and I didn’t know how far down the pyramid that was until I looked it up. It’s the NINTH tier. They’ve gone from that level to the THIRD tier in ten seasons. That is a remarkable achievement. Seemed only right that I go and watch their first ever game at that level….

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The Football Neutral World Cup FINAL: Germany vs Argentina

July 13, 2014 / megagoalz / Leave a comment

Before we start… should you like the stuff that I write, do feel free to download my Football Neutral 2013/14 season review on Kindle. Well over 300 pages of daftness. Less than £2! If you don’t have a Kindle the app is available for smart phones and tablets for free. Thanks!

Pre Game:

Obviously, I’m watching the game on the BBC. Nobody in their right mind is watching it on ITV. Not a single soul. Even if they’re related to Adrian Chiles.

The BBC lot are all very smartly dressed. I point this out to the wife. She replies with “well they’re obviously not going to be wearing mankinis”. Touché.

A quick flick to the ITV coverage reveals a load of blokes sat on B and Q wooden furniture on a beach. Oh dear.

Lots of talk of this being the best World Cup ever. Not for me, my favourites are Japan / Korea 2002 and Italy 1990 – althought this one has been a cracker, certainly more in the group stages. The knockout stages have been a bit less memorable for sure.

Saying that, I was sat playing on my Xbox when Brazil played Germany, expecting a 0-0 draw. The wife made me put it on (and she HATES football) because Twitter has exploded and we wanted to watch the carnage. It was already 5-0. Utter madness; every goal that day looked like those scored by Hungary in the 1950s, lots of walking the ball in.

This is Alan Hansen’s last ever game for the BBC. Presumably as soon as Steven Gerrard retires he’ll walk into a job so the Liverpool bias can continue (Yes Alan, I’m not forgiving you for your dismantling of Matt Elliott in the 1990s).

The BBC showed a quick interview with Diego Maradona. The wife looked up and said “alright Pat Butcher?”.

There is an air of Richard Hammond about Phillipe Lahm.

They’re going with the 1990 World Cup final kit configuration by the looks of it. Argentina in dark blue.

Before we started, Carlos Puyol brought the trophy onto the pitch. Typical footballer, he had it in a Luis Vuitton case.

Based on the national anthems, there are a LOT more Argentinians in the stadium. Also, all South American anthems are properly jaunty.

Sami Khedira injured in the warm up, so a competitive début start for Christoph Kramer. Bloody hell. What a way to start. Sad for Khedira, he’s been great all tournament.

We noticed the light on the top of the statue of Christ the Redeemer. The wife wonders if he’s pretending to be a police car. We’re not exactly religious in this house.

1: Who’s betting this is a fucking 0-0 now?

2: Commentary is already suggesting that Argentina are nowt without Messi. I’d have nearly every one of their side in the Leicester team for sure.

3: The wife: “If I was a referee I’d hold up a card with “Chimpanzee That!” on it”.

4: It seems that Ezequiel Lavezzi has no neck.

6: They keep insisting that Argentina fans have crossed the border in some kind of re-enactment of an episode of wacky races. “Camper vans! Cars! Buses! Even scooters!” Basic forms of transport then.

9: It’s that weird boxing feeling out stage. They do seem to be actually attacking though, which is a relief. Pressure can kill these games. Or, if you’re an office manager with a penchant for shit inspirational posters, MAKE DIAMONDZ!

11: Lavezzi keeps on rampaging down the right hand side and getting crosses in. The lack of neck means his centre of gravity is perfect.

13: Just dawned on me that nearly every football fan in the UK thinks that Martin Demichelis is rubbish. He’s just won the Premier League and is now playing in a World Cup final. All this despite having the handicap of having a ponytail for most of the season (he now looks weird without it)

17: Commentator just used the phrase “a pfennig for his thoughts”. BRAVO.

20: Higuain misses a sitter. Toni Kroos hits a header back to the keeper without looking, the Argentine striker is clean through and he fluffs it. Not even on target.

22: I wish I looked as good with a shaved head as Javier Mascherano does. I just look eight stone heavier.

23: We’ve just hit the 3,000th different pronunciation of Benedikt Howedes.

26: Sat trying to work out how expensive tickets for the final would be. I am betting a LOT.

28: The wife is laughing like a drain at the phrase “toe-end”. Child.

30: GOAL DISALLOWED – ARGENTINA: Great ball from Messi to Lavezzi on the right, lovely cross, Higuain touches it home and celebrates but he’s offside. Right decision.

31: Poor Christoph Kramer goes off, replaced by Andre Schurrle. Kramer got a bump on the head a few minutes earlier and has to be helped off the pitch. What a strange day for the youngster.

33: Howedes joins Shweinsteiger in the book. Not the big book of “Most German Sounding Names”, but the ref’s notebook for an awful tackle.

36: Schurrle hits a great effort from just inside the box, set up by Muller, but Romero manages to make a decent save – if a South American one – meaning he doesn’t catch it, just punches it away. Don’t even know why South American keepers wear gloves.

39: Messi beats Neuer and the Germany defence only for Boateng to clear the ball from inside the six yard box. A close-up of Messi makes me note that he has quite a fat chin for such a skinny chap.

44: Germany having a good couple of minutes. Great cross from Muller and Klose doesn’t manage to get on the end of it. 8 years ago he probably would, to be fair.

45: Howedes smacks a header off the post, and we’re still level. Everyone watching is moderately pleased that it might be goalless, but the game isn’t shite.

Half Time:

Ok, the BBC pundit team look like they’re going straight to a wedding after the game.

Higuain is being described as “slow and pedestrian”. They’re not wrong, he is rubbish. But he’s still better than Jo and Fred combined.

It’s really not a bad game. I’m typing that with an air of surprise.

I really miss Alan Shearer’s island of hair.

Goal of the tournament time. Let’s appraise them.

VAN PERSIE: Bit flukey.

CAHILL: He’s no Lilian Nalis.

MESSI: Seen him score better.

JONES: Just sad it wasn’t Cobi Jones.

RODRIGUEZ: Yeah, that’s the one.

LUIZ: Great goal, but the fact that he’s the worst defender in the world balances it out.

SCHURRLE: Wonderful goal as he made Luiz look like a prick as he scored it.

Whenever Gary Lineker does a link that says “there’s plenty more sport this summer” everyone just goes “NO” at their telly.

45: Lavezzi off, Aguero on. Feel a bit sorry for no-neck, he wasn’t playing badly. Aguero definitely a better player though.

46: Higuain offside again. He’s about as mobile as my house.

47: Messi not offside, gets through on goal, puts it wide. Everyone still having a go then. Good stuff.

52: They’ve spent two minutes of this half showing a picture of Christ the Redeemer as the sun sets behind it. Well done and all, but can we watch the football?

53: Still some empty seats facing the camera. Who goes to the World Cup final and is more concerned with getting a bovril at half time?

54: Muller has a free kick given against him for pulling the shirt of Rojo. Replay shows it is clearly the other way around. The referee is now giving decisions against Muller based on the fact he’s a gobby diver. He is the German David Speedie.

56: Higuain chases a loose ball, Neuer runs out and punches it, then knees Higuain in the head. Not really a foul, but not entirely sure how it ended up being a Germany free kick. German keeper knees attacker in the face in a World Cup game? Surely not!

59: Despite being my age, Klose is a lot quicker than Higuain.

63: Mascherano fluffs it in midfield and has to bring down Klose. Booking for the little Argentine.

64: Now Aguero gets booked for clattering Schweinsteiger. Commentators trying to insist there’s some needle in the game.

66: Mark Lawrenson desperate for it all to kick off. Talking about Romero being the hardest man in the Argentina side because he’s the tallest. Because Carlton Palmer was hard as fucking nails.

70: The press when talking about Messi are like the pushiest parent ever. HE CAN’T DO EVERYTHING!

73: My wife is currently trying to tweet about football just to anger me.

77: Higuain goes off. Which is for the best. On comes Rodrigo Palacio. Who I think was the opera singer in “The Naked Gun”.

80: The wife has just used the hashtag “balladmirer” based on her amusing take on commentary.

82: Some kind of “intruder” on the pitch. Makes me sad that we never get to see them.

85: Gago – who I thought was at least 35 (he’s only 28) – is on for Perez. DEFENCE! DEFENCE! DEFENCE!

87: Two great tackles – Boateng on Messi then Schweinsteiger on Biglia to keep Argentina out.

88: The end of Klose’s World Cup career, the highest scorer in tournament history is replaced by Mario Gotze. Muller now going to play down the middle.

90: Three minutes of injury time. We’re heading to extra time, right?

Full Time:

Extra time it is. Our Gary has just said something about teams in blue shirts. Argentina don’t have much apart from Messi, and they’ve made all their subs.

Gary just spoke to an Alan, and the wife heard the voice of Hansen and presumed it was Shearer. She then asked me how long he’d been pretending to be Scottish. Brilliant.

Seventh ever World Cup Final to go to extra time, apparently.

Joachim Low presumably went for a massive wee during the break. He’s back now.

91: Chaos in the Argentina box as Germany start as they mean to go on. Ball then straight upfield and Boateng makes another good tackle. He’s been excellent tonight.

93: Based on my wife’s terrible football tweets, my mate Kris Travis has called her “the female Adrian Chiles”. Wow. That’s COLD.

95: They’ve just – for the first time in this world cup – found some fans in the crowd that don’t react when they’re on the big screen.

96: Great ball from Rojo on the left to Palacio, Hummels misses his header but the sweeper keeper Neuer puts the man with the ridiculous rat-tail off.

100: Argentina now struggling to get the ball. You have the feeling that Palacio isn’t the man to score a winner if it gets lumped up to him.

105: Kroos gives the ball away in midfield with a pass that looks like it involved a 99p plastic Shoot football.

Half Time Extra Time:

Everyone now both wants penalties (because they’re fun) but doesn’t want penalties (because it’s a dodgy end to a fun tournament)

I can see an Argentina fan taking pictures with an iPad. The worst crime in the world.

106: The name “Garay” always makes me giggle like an idiot.

108: Nobody has had cramp yet. Making this the most hardcore extra time ever.

109: Schweinsteiger gets a cut under his eye after a blow from Aguero. Commentators trying to make out that it was intended. I don’t know it if was, but he’s now off the pitch getting patched up. Nasty cut.

112: GOAL – GERMANY – MARIO GOTZE: Schurrle carries the ball down the left, drawing defenders away. He whips a cross in, Gotze takes it on his chest and slides it in on the volley into the bottom corner. Quality goal from a great player – who can’t guarantee himself a place in this German team. Now maybe even Dortmund fans will forgive him! I think Germany just about deserve it. Now for a manic last few minutes.

116: Neuer now doing his sweeper bit again, to a massive roar from the crowd. Easily the best keeper on the planet right now.

117: Messi goes close with a header. No right winning it, as he’s three foot tall.

119: Germany playing with a good tempo and high up the pitch. Howedes almost in midfield. Ozil replaced by Mertesacker. Muller still looking for a goal.

120: Messi wins a free kick on the edge of the German box. This should be the last chance… but Scweinsteiger is down, delaying things. Messi decides to shoot, and that’s going to be it.

FULL TIME – GERMANY WIN THE WORLD CUP

The first World Cup for the reunified Germany, and I don’t think anyone (short of Argentina fans) will be complaining. A great tournament for them, and any team that massacres Brazil 7-1 in their own country should really be winning the trophy.

I’m sure people will talk about Messi being disappointing, but he’s still had a half decent tournament. He’s still one of the best in club football, just like Ronaldo.

Players like Schurrle – not exactly a first teamer at Chelsea – have looked brilliant in this tournament. Muller is now the best number 10 in the world. The investment in grass roots football in Germany over the last two decades has paid off. Arguably the best club football in Europe at the moment, and now the best national team in the world.

Credit Argentina, too. They tried their best, they didn’t sit back and they made the game as entertaining as it was.

There is nobody in the England side who works as hard and cares as much as Bastian Schweinsteiger does in a Germany shirt. He took a kicking all night and kept on going. What a leader on the pitch.

You know the phrase “football is the real winner” – it is here. German football has a great grass roots base, is cheap to go and watch and every club is owned – in part at least – by the fans. Why can’t it be like that here?

The German players formed a guard of honour for the Argentina team. How sporting is that?

Neuer wins the golden glove for the best keeper at the tournament – to the surprise of nobody. What a tournament. He hugs Angela Merkel, which was properly funny.

Best player of the tournament goes to Lionel Messi, which I don’t quite agree with. He was good, for sure – but James Rodriguez or Thomas Muller for me. Rodriguez does win the golden boot though.

Lionel Messi goes back up to get his runner up medal. Looks broken. He’ll be back though, 31 at the next World Cup.

Schweinsteiger leads the German team up the steps. He’s not the captain, but he is a proper leader for sure. Angela Merkel is all over every player as they come up. Can’t imagine David Cameron doing that, can you?

Thanks then, Brazil. That was a bloody great month.

Man of the Match: Bastian Schweinsteiger

Match Rating: 7/10

The Football Neutral World Cup: France vs Nigeria

June 30, 2014 / megagoalz / Leave a comment

Before we start… should you like the stuff that I write, do feel free to download my Football Neutral 2013/14 season review on Kindle. Well over 300 pages of daftness. Less than £2! Thanks!

Pre Game:

My daughter is supporting France during the World Cup because in her own words: “England are rubbish and the France shirt is nice”.

Last night I listened to a penalty shootout on the radio for the first time in ages. You feel nowhere near as tense when you can’t see players shitting themselves as they step up to take a penalty.

Nigeria are of course one of the teams who played in the worst game of this world cup so far, against Iran. I fell asleep during it, you may recall. I missed nothing.

1: Vincent Enyeama kept 21 clean sheets last season in France for Lille. I already knew this, but I imagine we’ll be told this fact several dozen times.

2: First commentary mention of the above fact.

4: “And here’s Cheryl Tweedy’s brother playing in midfield for France, young Blaizema”

6: Well, Nigeria are having a go. Which is nice. But remember: They have Peter Odemwingie up front, so twenty minutes before the end of the game he’ll be driving to the Costa Rica training camp in his Range Rover to see if he can play for them next week.

12: The entire French team has been selected based on an old version of Football Manager. Varane, Giroud, Valbuena… they were all great back in the day. Not that they’re not yet, but you get me.

16: Nigeria really having a go, although you know they’ll be weak at the back. Was stunned Joseph Yobo is still playing.

18: Disallowed goal for Nigeria, with Emmanuel Emenike tapping it but being called offside. Seems a lot of the neutrals in the ground are supporting Nigeria.

21: WHAT A SAVE from Enyeama. Pogba has a chance from point blank range but the keeper palms it away acrobatically. Commentary team state that Enyeama may well be the greatest African keeper of all time… what, no Bruce Grobelaar? This doesn’t sound like the usual BBC Liverpool bias…

24: I think the commentary team were expecting France to be ahead by now, but Nigeria are good value. Although Ahmed Musa just took a terrible corner, keeping the trend in this World Cup of nobody being able to take one properly.

28: Paul Pogba is a beast in the France midfield. A beast that Sir Alex Ferguson thought was a worse player than Anderson and therefore let leave. I’m not saying his judgement was wrong, more likely the obvious self-sabotage of Manchester United that he enabled when he left to ensure nobody ever looks as good as him.

32: A graphic on screen tells me that Andy Murray has a tennis match on BBC Two. Somewhere the middle classes are going mental that they’ve been relegated to the secondary channel.

36: Commentators talking about Yohan Cabaye potentially not being as good a player now because he’s not always first choice at PSG. Because being in the Newcastle midfield is the perfect place for a world-beater to prosper.

39: Point above proved by Newcastle right back Mathieu Debuchy missing a decent chance from a few yards out. Didn’t even test the keeper.

40: The tension of a knockout game starting to show a little bit; the relentless pace of the opening few minutes has given way to slightly more conservative play now.

41: I miss the old France away kit; white shirt with thin navy horizontal hoops. If you wore a beret with it you actually looked French. This one:

44: Mathieu Valbuena is tiny. He is essentially a borrower.

Half Time:

Much talk of how rubbish Karim Benzema is. Apparently only had 16 touches in the entire first half because he’s out on the left hand side rather than in the middle.

Danny Murphy on Olivier Giroud: “He’s not easy on the eye even at his best”. I beg to differ. As a straight man, even I know he’s pretty.

It seems the BBC believe that football fans are desperate to see Strictly Come Dancing so have put a football inspired promo together for it. NO. JUST NO.

We’re now being told that Gonzalo Jara’s penalty miss for Chile against Brazil was the most tweeted about moment of all time. Is it wrong that I find that vaguely depressing?

There’s been as many goals in this World Cup so far as there was in the whole of the last one. And the fact that I’m talking about that means every game I watch from now on is doomed to be scoreless.

48: And we’re back. Nothing has happened. Tempted to bet on this going to penalties already.

51: Players seem to be flailing around everywhere and dropping like flies. At present, Raphael Varane with a head injury. Hard to believe he’s still only 21; I’ve been signing him on video games for years now.

54: Matuidi booked for an AWFUL challenge. Proper 1970s studs-on-ankle.

58: Nowt much in the way of proper chances in this half. Atmosphere seems decent though. As I typed that, Valbuena slides Debuchy in down the right but it comes to nothing.

59: Ogenyi Onazi off – the talented Lazio midfielder is replaced by who was released by Kilmarnock and now plays in Belgium for Waasland-Beveren. The World Cup is mad. Incidentally tonight the only Leicester player at the tournament could be playing against Germany – the very talented Riyad Mahrez.

62: Antoine Griezmann on for France in place of the totally ineffectual Giroud. The centre forward has been playing like his first season at Arsenal rather than his second.

65: Just seen on Twitter the official apology from Luis Suarez where he admits that he did bite Georgio Chiellini. Well done mate. Only four cameras in the stadium, a crowd of 60,000 and about a billion people at home saw it.

68: Regarding the above point, obviously the ref missed it.

69: Benzema through, Enyeama sprints out and makes himself big but the ball squirms through. Victor Moses clears it off the line, the first bit of defending I’ve ever seen him do.

72: Karim Benzema really isn’t the player that he’s always talked up to be. Plus he looks a bit like a less muscled Dave Batista.

75: Griezmann definitely making the difference now, his cross thumped out by Enyeama. France corner but it leads to nowt because NOBODY CAN DELIVER A DECENT CORNER.

76: I type that, then from a Valbuena corner that Odemwingie should have cleared Benzema has a chance that is cleared off the line by Mikel, then Cabaye hits the bar from outside the box. Corner was still weak if I’m being a pedant in my own defence, which I certainly am planning on doing.

79: GOAL – FRANCE – PAUL POGBA: First remotely decent corner of the World Cup from anyone (Valbuena), Enyeama flaps at it and the ball falls to Pogba who heads it home. He’s no Eric Djemba-Djemba though, is he Sir Alex?

83: Enyeama at fault for the goal, but a great save from Griezmann who surely MUST start the next France game if they go through. Another lad who is too good looking though. The swine.

90: I’ve been too busy talking about how good Valbuena is on FIFA rather than watching the game. Nigeria don’t really have a plan B.

90+1: GOAL – FRANCE – JOSEPH YOBO OG: Speak of the devil, great work from the tiny winger who crosses low from the right. Looks like Griezmann scores with a deft flick, but it’s actually in off the Nigeria defender. Valbuena then immediately substituted.

90+4: There are more empty seats in the stadium deep into injury time than a game at the Emirates.

Full Time:

France certainly the better team, but they got a lot better as Griezmann came on to shake things up. They’ll now face Germany or Algeria. It seems that Didier Deschamps knows how to make a decent tactical change, and it’s paid off.

Presumably it’s only a matter of time before Valbuena or Griezmann are touted as moving to Arsenal?

Let’s all be honest: the knockout stages aren’t as much fun as the group stages, are they? And it’ll only get more and more tense the closer we get to the final. Calling it now: Brazil vs Germany in the final, 0-0 and then Germany on penalties. PUT MONEY ON IT!

The Football Neutral World Cup: Uruguay vs England

June 19, 2014June 19, 2014 / megagoalz / 1 Comment

Before we start… should you like the stuff that I write, do feel free to download my Football Neutral 2013/14 season review on Kindle. Well over 300 pages of daftness. Less than £2! Thanks!

Pre Match:

Oh god, we’re on ITV.

The wife is home and watching this with me. She’s both Welsh and utterly hates football, so expect some zingers from her corner.

There’s a stand behind the goal that looks really unsafe. Proper Maude Flander death territory.

It is a seriously jaunty anthem, the Uruguay one.

Whilst an England win would of course be the preferred option (see previous blogs for an explanation of who I support internationally and why I still like England), if they do lose and go out tonight it would mean that my gig in Coventry next Saturday night will go ahead.

Hands up if you’ve done this Simpsons joke today?

1: OH PLEASE SHUT UP ANDY TOWNSEND

2: Muslera in the Uruguay goal is properly wank. And whilst I am commenting on his football skills, the wife is referring to him as “a human refresher”.

3: Wife on Suarez: “he’s got teeth, hasn’t he?”

4: Suarez, as if hearing the abuse from my wife, tries to score from a corner like the cheeky little bitey racist that he is.

6: Wife just asked if the players can tell the difference between a whistle blown by the ref or one in the crowd. I said that they can’t. She is now patenting a special whistle that has a frequency that only footballers can hear. Of course, this could then be bought by the fans and we’re back to square one. I don’t think she’s as emotionally invested in this game as me right now.

7: England free kick. Uruguay make a wall. Wife asks me if it’s called a “ball wall” because they have to stop the ball AND they guard their nether regions. I reply in the negative.

9: MAN IN CHAINMAIL SPOTTED. Possible UKIP voter. They just look the sort, you now?

10: Rooney had a free kick and hit it within 20 yards of the goal. BIG IMPROVEMENT ON SATURDAY, WAYNE!

13: Debate about heading the ball led by the wife. Quote: “How can they head the ball when it’s coming out of the sky but roll around like little whiny girls when they get tackled?” Good point.

15: I miss England wearing navy shorts.

17: The Uruguay defender Pereira has a face that looks like it has been sucked into a hoover.

18: Rooney a lot better than the other night. Unfortunately Uruguay are also a lot better than the other night.

19: Still baffled at the unsegregated seating for the games. Can anyone else imagine this happening a few years ago? Tis madness. Seems to be a tad more segregation for England games, although there are still are pockets of England fans sat with Uruguay lads and Brazil neutrals. Very odd indeed. Although if everyone is behaving, fair play. That said: It’s not fucking rugby, is it?

23: Feels like a nil nil right now. I’m saying that so this ends up 4-3 and proves me wrong.

25: Wife just shouted “topknot wanker” at Martin Caceres.

28: Diego Godin may as well just have hit a lariat on Daniel Sturridge there. Commentators saying he’s lucky to be on the pitch, but it wasn’t an elbow nor intentional. The same guys were saying that Muller was scum for going down under a similar challenge the other night. DOUBLE STANDARDS, LADS!

31: England hit the bar – and they’re having a decent spell. Rooney SHOULD have scored if we’re being honest, but it was harder than it looked. I’ll give him some credit. ITV commentary team DESPERATE to have him score.

34: Still a lot of fight in England. They are not the most gifted side for sure, but it means a lot to the fans that they seem to be trying as hard as they can. As a neutral, it means a lot to me knowing that both of their matches have already been more entertaining than the whole world cup.

39: GOAL – URUGUAY – LUIS SUAREZ: Had to be him, didn’t it? Headline writers demanded it. Edinson Cavani – who had done NOTHING thus far – loops the ball in from the corner of the area and Phil Jagielka isn’t close enough to Suarez who heads home. Glen Johnson should have been picking Cavani up really. Sturridge heads straight up the other end with a chance, but now Uruguay are in charge.

41: Rooney takes a corner and it doesn’t beat the first man. So frustrating. Let Sterling or Baines or Gerrard take them for crying out loud.

43: What’s annoying is that this has been a BRILLIANT World Cup so far and a limited England have been doing OK in a tough group. If England go out tonight, does that overshadow how excellent the tournament as a whole has been? Not for me, but I suspect it will for a lot of people.

Half Time:

Really not sure how England are losing. Good header from Suarez and proof that a finisher of his calibre is hard to come by, but England have had enough of the play and decent enough chances to be winning, or at least level.

Fairly sure that Adrian Chiles breaks a journalism rule by referring to England as “us”. Especially as there are people watching in Northern Ireland, Wales, Scotland…

Andros Townsend seems a good lad. Surely his press pass says “A Townsend” on it? Just saying we could have him in the commentary box instead…

I’m eating a fruit pastille lolly. Annoying that lemon is the most prevalent flavour.

46: Wife Quote: “I’d be well good as a steward. I’d happily not watch the game”.

49: Suarez keeps trying to score from corners. Greedy bastard.

51: England not at it right now, still asleep. Cavani and Suarez scaring the shit out of Cahill and Jagielka. Wife sums it up with “I know Uruguay are doing better because I keep seeing the little green man”. That’s Joe Hart. The Uruguay keeper is the little orange man, apparently.

53: There is the little orange man, Muslera. Great save from Rooney, who is still searching for his first ever World Cup goal. Great work from Leighton Baines down the left leading to the chance.

55: Multitasking whilst Muslera is down faking an injury. Starting a campaign to get the awful new iPhone “Chicken Fat” advert banned from our TV. Why? The song is AWFUL and I hate Apple. Part crusade for better ads, part personal vendetta against a massive company that I despise.

59: England pressing but just don’t have a load of ideas. And who do you throw on? There’s nobody better on the bench really, although I’d like to see Ross Barkley get a runout.

61: Pereira takes Sterling’s knee to the temple and is knocked out. Horrible moment as he’s splayed on the pitch in real trouble, but toe medics bring him around and he then throws a massive tantrum as the doctor tries to insist that he is substituted. That’s some passion right there, good lad.

64: Barkley now on, yay! But for Sterling, boo.

67: England just don’t look like scoring. Suarez then hits a hit and hope at Joe Hart, known within World Cup circles as a “Ronaldinho against David Seaman”.

68: I’m sure the commentator just said the population of greater London was 3 and a half million.

70: Lallana on for Wellbeck, who has done nowt.

72: Wayne Rooney’s hair-hat is the reason that a balding man like me doesn’t bother with hair implants.

73: Sturridge does a little turn and rattles off a shot. Muslera holds it easily. Uruguay aren’t doing anything much, but England aren’t really pressing them at all.

75: GOAL – ENGLAND – WAYNE ROONEY: Wonderful work by Sturridge, even better work from Johnson and a tap in for Rooney. He finally scores at a World Cup and is delighted. Great seeing the England fans surge forward in their “end” – and it’s what England have deserved.

77: Sturridge close now. England could actually win this, you know.

79: Atmosphere has been properly booted up a notch now, I tells thee.

80: Not so much in this house, mind. The wife has buggered off elsewhere.

83: It would really be excellent if England got another now. They have, on balance, been the better team and Uruguay sat back until Rooney’s goal. They’re now charging forwards too and it’s like watching a game from the knockout stages.

84: GOAL – URUGUAY – LUIS SUAREZ: Steven Gerrard fluffs a header and merely directs it into the path of the sprinting Luis Suarez who puts the ball past Hart. And that’ll probably be that for England. Two decent chances for Uruguay, two goals. Steven Gerrard manages to top his slip against Chelsea in the league with a pretty decent assist.

88: People on Twitter rightfully pointing out that Gerrard has been awful during both games. They’re right. The system Liverpool play mean that he can play that “quarterback” role that people bang on about. He can’t for England. Everyone else is putting in the effort, he’s just past it. But he’ll “retire” from England duty before the next manager (because Hodgson will be sacked, unfortunately – it’s not his fault he doesn’t have the players to choose from) has time to not pick him, just to save his own face.

90: Five minutes of injury time. Suarez now off and crying on the bench. Mate, you’re winning! Wacky South Americans.

Full Time:

England are probably out, barring Italy winning both of their remaining games and England somehow twatting Costa Rica out of sight. They’re not good enough. It’s not the fault of Roy Hodgson; he’s trying his best but there just aren’t the players available for him. Gerrard is past it, Rooney (I know he scored, but still) isn’t as world class a player as the entire nation seemed convinced he is, at the back England are a bit static and slow and the rest of the team – small glimmers of hope for the next four years in Sterling and Barkley to one side – just aren’t very good.

Suarez, like him or not, is an amazing centre forward. He gets two chances and he scores two goals. He is the difference between Uruguay being an also-ran South American team and a pretty decent one. They won’t get to the semi finals like last time around, but they remain a tidy side when he’s fit.

I don’t think that England fans are shocked by the result, because nobody would have seriously expected England to win the World Cup. There needs to be a better focus on team spirit and work ethic going forwards. The 1986 and 1990 World Cup sides were full of unfashionable players who grafted as part of a team. The next England manager (because let’s be honest, Hodgson will be sacked shortly) needs to take more chances on unfashionable players from smaller teams; Lallana and Lambert from Southampton are a start, but there are more players hungry to pull that shirt on and push the “superstars” in the side harder for their place.

We await the Gerrard memes.

Man of the Match: Luis Suarez

Match Rating: 5/10

The Football Neutral World Cup: Iran vs Nigeria

June 16, 2014 / megagoalz / Leave a comment

Before we start… should you like the stuff that I write, do feel free to download my Football Neutral 2013/14 season review on Kindle. Well over 300 pages of daftness. Less than £2! Thanks!

Pre Match:

Thank god we’re on the BBC. Rio Ferdinand, Neil Lennon and Phil Neville in the studio. Mr Neville seems to have taken all of the criticism he got for the England game with good humour, bless him. Can’t fault him for that. Also, as Danny Baker pointed out: the BBC are rather to blame by taking a new pundit over to Brazil and giving him the England match as his first job.

That said, Phil Neville just used the phrase “he can catch pigeons” to describe a Nigerian player. I don’t know what that means.

If we’re honest, this is the game that we’re looking forward to least out of all the opening matches, right?

I’d quite like to see Iran win. I remember Leicester signing an Iranian fullback a few years back. We expected a lot based on videos of him. In reality he was five foot three and awful.

I was hoping it would be raining so an Iranian player would slide when changing direction and that I could make a really niche Prince of Persia reference.

Still no drawn games so far. So now I’ve said that, this’ll be goalless.

The arm folding animations when the teams are announced really are stupid.

1: Based on the amount of time the camera spent on him prior to the match, Ashkan Dejagah is the best player in the world.

5: Well, at least the crowd are up for this. I’m trying really hard to not remember that I have Watch Dogs to play on the Xbox One.

6: A Mexican wave is going around the stadium. Nobody cares about this match, not even the fans who are there.

8: All Nigeria so far. Really hoping that Shola Ameobi comes on and scores a sackful.

13: No idea how I’m still awake.

20: All the talk on commentary is of how to pronounce the name of Reza Ghoochannejhad. I’d go with “Reza”.

25: That’s it, I’m having a nap.

Full Time:

Fucking hell. Oops.

I closed my eyes for a bit hoping any excitement would wake me up. It seems that there wasn’t any at all.

TOLD YOU THIS WOULD BE NIL NIL, DIDN’T I?

Watch Dogs time now.

Man of the Match: You if you managed to stay awake for it

Match Rating: 0/10

Jim Smallman – The Football Neutral

Comedian watches football, writes about it.

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